Ask Dr Louise
‘Sometimes you don’t need a goal in life, you don’t need to know the big picture. You just need to know what you’re going to do next!’ – BRITISH AUTHOR SOPHIE KINSELLA
WHY CAN’T I FIND A GIRLFRIEND?
I’m in my early thirties, have a good job and enjoy a few hobbies and sports, yet I can’t find a girlfriend. I’m withdrawn by nature and find it quite difficult to talk to people.
If people make an effort to speak to me, I start feeling more comfortable and I’m able to “thaw” and become more talkative. But when I meet a woman I like very much I become shy and even more withdrawn than usual and find it very difficult to talk to her. I’m sure she wouldn’t even realise that I like her so much.
Even if I’m really interested in a woman, I simply find it too difficult to pick up the phone and ask her out. I’m terrified she’ll say no and I also can’t imagine how I would manage being alone with her and having to speak to her all evening.
People tell me I’m an attractive guy who has everything going for me but somehow I find it difficult to believe. Zabo, email It’s difficult to make conversation with someone who’s shy and withdrawn. Most people give up after a while because it takes so much mental effort to keep the conversation going. So there may have been women who were interested in you but felt it would take too much effort to get things going. The bottom line is that if you want to find a girlfriend, you’ll have to start talking to women. You should consult with a psychologist as you’ll need professional help to improve your selfconfidence and self-esteem. Becoming less shy is a life skill you’ll have to develop.
You need to start viewing people in a different light, seeing them as potential friends you don’t know yet. Then perhaps you’ll see the process of getting to know someone – male or female – as an exciting prospect rather than something full of fear and anxiety.
You need to learn to view rejection as part of life. If a woman for example doesn’t want to go out with you, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not attractive.
SHE MAKES ME FEEL CLAUSTROPHOBIC
I’m 25, have a good job and love socialising and going to the movies. My girlfriend of three months, however, is a real house hen and just wants to stay at home every weekend. And it’s not as if I only like action movies – I love girlie ones too.
Although I enjoy some alone time with her, it gets too much if it’s for the whole weekend and we’re simply at home doing nothing. It’s as if when she gets home on Friday afternoons she stops living until Monday morning when she has to go back to work. That’s the only time she makes an effort to move out of the house!
I feel trapped and claustrophobic. What can I do? Danny, email You’re a young man and should be having fun over the weekends. When you’re older you don’t want to look back at your youth and think, “What a waste!”
Think about what type of activities you want to do over weekends, what sort of hobbies or sport you want to get involved in and where and with whom you want to socialise.
Then tell your girlfriend that you want things to change because you’re not happy about simply staying home all weekend and not doing anything interesting. Invite her to go along with you – and if she doesn’t want to go, leave her at home and go by yourself. Tell her she’s welcome to suggest other activities that she wants to do.
You have to be prepared for the possibility that the two of you may grow apart. Once you start living your life, you might lose her along the way, which will be sad.
But it would be worse to allow yourself to change into a wallflower just because that’s what your girlfriend wants to do.
I’M TURNING INTO A BAD PERSON AGAIN
Many years ago I was a bad person who didn’t hesitate to hurt others, but when I met my wife and she changed me. I became someone I was proud of, someone who cared about people and did things for others.
But my wife died a year ago after being diagnosed with cancer and it feels as if slowly but surely the bad old me is creeping back again. If I can cheat people, I do. If I can hurt people, I do. If I can manipulate people, I do. I’m afraid that one of these days I’ll again turn into that person I hated. What should I do? Frank, email It’s very likely that the hurt, sadness and anger you feel because of the death of your wife have made you lash out at people.
The pain you feel at losing her has led to your allowing that ugly part of you to rear its head and even be destructive towards yourself.
You need to seek professional help from a psychologist who can help you not only to deal with your loss, but can also help you to find your true self and assist you in becoming the person you want to be.
In the meantime, try this strategy to help you right now: pretend that your wife is watching you as a way of reminding yourself that she wants to be proud of the person you are.
Do it not only for her sake but also for your own – because being a kind, caring person is so much more rewarding and less complicated than being nasty.