Laugh a little
MARINE MAGIC
The captain of a cruise ship has a parrot. Every night the parrot accompanies the captain to the ship’s magic show, and every time the magician performs a trick the parrot calls him out: “The card is up his sleeve! There’s a hole in his hat! The glass has a fake bottom!”
One night the magician gets so fed up with the parrot he pulls out a gun and shoots at it. But he misses the bird and hits the ship’s boiler, causing an explosion that sinks the ship.
Finding himself adrift at sea the magician grabs onto a piece of wood to stay afloat. The next minute the parrot lands on his shoulder.
“Okay, I give up,” the parrot says. “Where’s the ship?”
SECRET PLAN
A magician is giving a show. After one particularly mind-boggling trick a guy in the audience shouts, “Wow, how did you do that?” The magician gives him a steely look. “I could tell you,” he says, “but then I’d have to kill you.”
After a moment’s pause the same guy shouts, “Well, could you tell my mother-in-law?”
THE ANNOYING KID
A guy gets on a plane and is seated next to a young boy. The guy would like to relax and read his book but the kid won’t stop talking to him. Thinking he knows how to get some peace and quiet he turns to the boy and says, “All right, let’s talk.”
“Okay, what do you want to talk about?” the kid says. “How about string theory?” “That’s a very interesting topic,” the boy says. “But first, do you know why rabbits, horses and cows all make different poop even though they eat the same grass?” “I have no idea.” The boy smiles. “Well, how do you expect to discuss string theory when you don’t know sh*t?”
THE SUFFERING
A girl goes to university where she becomes an avid animal rights activist. When she goes home for the holidays she’s upset to see her mother wearing a genuine fur coat her father had bought for her.
“Oh Mom,” she says in a disapproving tone, “some poor being must have suffered terribly just so you could have that fur coat.”
“What!” her mother says, upset. “How dare you talk about your father like that!”
SICK OF IT
A woman takes her four-year-old daughter to the doctor. The little girl has a terrible case of the flu – she’s aching all over, she’s running a fever and her throat is sore.
The doctor checks her temperature and inspects her throat and ears.
“Hmm,” he says. “Now tell me, what would you say is bothering you the most?”
“My brother Billy,” the little girl says without missing a beat. “He always breaks my toys!”
BACK IN ’71
A cowboy rides into town on his horse, Fireball, and goes straight to the saloon. He ties Fireball up outside, goes inside and drinks whiskey for a few hours, never moving except to take another drink. Eventually he gets up and walks out of the saloon.
Seconds later he runs back inside and yells, “All right! Who took Fireball?” Nobody makes a sound. “Okay,” the cowboy continues, “I’m going to count to three. If someone doesn’t tell me where Fireball is we’re going to have a repeat of what happened back in ’71. One!” He pauses but nobody moves a muscle. “Two!” Still no sound. “Here it comes! Thr . . .” Suddenly he’s interrupted by a man in the back of the saloon.
“Wait!” the guy says. “It was just a joke. Your horse is safe at the back. But we all want to know, what exactly did you do back in ’71?”
The cowboy looks him dead in the eye. “I had to walk home,” he says.
TIPPING POINT
The new boss of a company arrives for his first day at work, determined to make his mark. He looks around the office and sees a guy leaning against a wall doing nothing and approaches him.
“What do you think you’re doing?” the boss demands.
“I’m just killing time, waiting to get paid,” the guy says. The CEO is furious. “What do you make a week?” he asks. “About R2 000.” The CEO pulls out his wallet, takes out R4 000 and hands it to the guy.
“Here,” he says, “there’s two weeks’ pay. You’re fired; now get out of here!”
As he leaves the boss turns to the other employees and says, “So what do you all think about that?”
One of them pipes up, “I think that guy just got the largest tip ever for delivering pizza.”
SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE
Just changed my Facebook name to “No one” so when I see stupid posts I can click “like” and it will say, “No one likes this”.