LAUGH A LITTLE

Fancy yourself a joker? Email original jokes to chuckles@you.co.za or send them to Chuckles, YOU, PO Box 7167, Roggebaai 8012, and we may publish them on this page.

OVERSIGHT

A traffic cop pulls over a woman driver and asks her for her licence.

“Ma’am,” he says, “your licence says you must wear glasses when you drive.” “Well,” the woman replies, “I have contacts.” “I don’t care who you know,” the cop yells, “I’m writing you a fine!”

THE SHORT OF IT

A pregnant woman asks her boss if she can get the day off because she’s not feeling too well. He tells her the only time she’d be allowed to leave work is when she starts her contractions.

“All right,” she says, “can’t, didn’t, shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t!”

HOW IT WORKS

A teacher is giving a lesson on blood circulation. Trying to clarify the matter she says, “Now, kids, if I stood on my head the blood would rush into it and I’d turn red in the face. Do you understand?” “Yes, Miss,” her learners reply. “Then,” the teacher continues, “why is it that when I’m standing upright my feet don’t turn red?”

Little Johnny puts up his hand. “It’s because your feet aren’t empty, Miss.”

IT’S ALL RELATIVE

After giving birth to twins a woman falls into a coma. When she wakes up two weeks later she asks the doctor, “Where are my babies?”

“They’re both fine,” the doctor says. “You have a beautiful boy and girl. Your husband has gone back to work. You were out for so long that your brother named the babies.” The woman looks concerned. “Oh no,” she says, “what did he name them?” “He named the girl Denise,” the doctor replies. The woman is relieved.

“Well, that’s not so bad. And what did he name the boy?”

“Denephew.”

KEEPING THE WIFE HAPPY

After a round of golf a few guys are in the locker room getting changed when a cellphone lying on a bench starts to ring. One of the guys picks it up and says, “Hi?”

The device is set to speakerphone so all the guys can hear a woman say, “Honey, it’s me . . . Are you at the golf club?” “Yes,” the guy replies. “Well,” the woman continues, “I’m at the mall and I found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only R10 000; is it okay if I buy it?”

“Sure,” the guy says, “go ahead if you really like it.”

“Also,” the woman says, “I stopped by the Mercedes-Benz dealership and saw a new model I really like.”

“How much?” the guy says. “Only R1 million.” “Okay,” the guy says, “but make sure you order all the optional extras as well.”

“Thanks, honey. And guess what, that house I wanted last year is back on the market! They’re asking R4,8 million.”

“Well, offer them R5 million. They’ll probably take it. If not, throw in an extra hundred grand or two.”

“Okay, I’ll see you later. I love you so much! You’re so generous!”

“You’re worth it, ’bye!” the guy says and hangs up.

The other men in the locker room stare at him in astonishment, their mouths open.

“Erm,” the guy says, “anyone knows whose phone this is?”

CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

Three men get lost in the desert and nearly die from thirst. Then they come across a mysterious water slide that has instructions on the side: “Slide down and yell the drink of your choice and at the bottom you’ll find a pool of that beverage.”

The three men are very excited. The first man slides down and yells, “Milk!” He then falls into a pool of milk.

The next man goes down and yells, “Lemonade!” He falls into a pool full of it.

The third man goes down and, overwhelmed with excitement, yells, “Weeee!”

THAT GOOD OL’ BACKSEAT

A woman is sitting in her armchair darning her husband’s socks when he comes into the room.

“Honey, be more careful!” he shouts. “Please watch what you’re doing! You don’t want to poke your finger! How many times do I have to tell you? Don’t look up when you’re sewing! There you go now, slow and steady, nice even stitches.”

His wife puts down the needle and thread, looks up at her husband and says, “What the hell is wrong with you? Do you know how many times I’ve darned socks before?”

“Exactly!” her husband shouts. “Do you know how many times I’ve driven a car before?”

AT THE BAR AGAIN . . . S

Two men walk into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have ducked.

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. “Olive or twist?” the barman asks. A man walks into a bar with a chunk of tar under one arm and says, “Beer, please. And one for the road.”

A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar and order drinks.

“Okay,” the barman says, “but I don’t want you starting anything in here.”

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barman tells him to get out. “Why?” the mushroom says. “I’m a fun guy.” A guy sees a beautiful young woman at the other end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, “Where have you been all my life?”

“Well,” she says, “for the first half of it I wasn’t even born.”

A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers and drinks all of them.

“Would you like to know where the bathroom is?” the barman asks.

“No,” the pig says. “I’m the little piggy that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.”

A brain goes into a bar and says to the barman “I’ll have a pint, please.”

“Sorry,” the barman says, “I can’t serve you. You’re out of your head.”

“Poor old fool,” a well-dressed gentleman says to himself as he watches an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invites the old -timer inside for a drink. As they sip their whiskys the gentleman decides to humour the old man and asks, “So, how many have you caught today?” “You’re the eighth,” the old man replies. Several fonts walk into a bar. “Get out of here!” the barman shouts. “We don’t serve your type in here.” Doctor Jones likes to stop at his local bar after work to enjoy an almond daiquiri. One day Dick the barman runs out of almonds and uses hickory nuts instead.

The doctor takes a sip and says, “Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?” And Dick says, “It’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”

NAILING IT

An idiot visits his friend, also an idiot, who’s banging nails into a wall. However, he throws half the nails away.

“Why are you throwing half the nails away?” the first idiot asks.

“Because the heads are on the wrong end,” the second idiot replies.

“Don’t be stupid!” the first idiot says. “Those nails are for the other side of the wall!”

IN HOT WATER

A guy arrives home from work and decides to relax in a nice hot bath, but just as he sinks into the water his doorbell rings. The guy can’t believe his bad luck but he gets out, dries himself and sets off for the front door. But then he slips and falls on the wet bathroom floor and hurts his back. He finally gets to his front door and opens it.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the person on his front step says, “I think I’m at the wrong house.” The guy’s had enough. “Are you serious?” he yells. “Chill out, man,” the person at the door says. “You need to relax. Why don’t you take a hot bath or something?”