Laugh a little
Fancy yourself a joker? Email original jokes to chuckles@you.co.za or send them to Chuckles, YOU, PO Box 7167, Roggebaai 8012, and we may publish them on this page.
DOG’S-EYE VIEW
A blind man walks into a bar with his guide dog. He lifts the dog into the air and spins it around above his head.
The barman can’t believe his eyes. “What on earth are you doing?” he yells.
“Oh, nothing,” the blind guy calmly replies. “I’m just having a look around.”
JACK OF ALL TRADES
What do you call a priest who then becomes a lawyer?
A father in law.
A CLEAN SWEEP
A guy who’s studying at an American university is fascinated by a janitor who tirelessly cleans the campus buildings without ever complaining. He decides to chat to the man.
“Excuse me,” he says to the caretaker, “don’t you ever get tired of cleaning?”
The man is taken aback. “I’ll have you know, sir,” he replies, “that I have a son at Harvard and a daughter at Yale.”
“Oh, really?” the student says. “I had no idea. What are they studying?”
“Nah, they’re not students. They’re janitors like me.”
VEGGING OUT
A man with broccoli in his ear and a carrot up his nose goes to see his doctor. “What’s wrong with me, doc?” he asks. “Hmm,” the doctor says. “I’d say you’re not eating right.”
THE RAISE
Tom walks into his boss’ office.
“Excuse me, sir,” he says. “I’ve been very happy in my job here but three companies have contacted me recently. I’d like a raise.”
His boss hears him out and after debating the amount they agree that Tom would get a five percent salary increase. As he gets up to leave, his boss asks him, “So, which companies contacted you?”
Tom smiles and says, “The satellite TV, cellphone and credit-card companies.”
FAST LEARNER
Little Johnny is visiting his grandpa’s farm and the old man takes him to see the rabbit enclosure. Johnny notices the ground is covered in rabbit droppings.
“What are those pellets on the floor, Grandpa?” he asks.
“Oh those,” the old-timer replies. “Those are smart pills. If you eat them you get smarter.”
Johnny likes the sound of that, so he grabs a large handful of droppings and shoves them into his mouth.
“Yuck!” he shouts. “Grandpa, these taste like crap!”
“See,” the old man says, “you’re getting smarter already.”
SIZE MATTERS
A man and his wife are setting up their new computer. When it comes time to choose a password he types in “my_brain” but the computer rejects it.
“I told you it was too small,” his wife quips.
DRINK TO THAT
The head of Coca-Cola calls Russian president Vladimir Putin.
“Vladimir,” he says, “I’ve noticed you’ve changed the Russian anthem. Do you have any plans to change your flag as well and return to the previous all-red one? Because if you do, you could put the Coca-Cola trademark in one corner. It would solve all your problems with your top officials’ pensions and salaries.”
“Hold on,” Putin says and turns to one of his advisers. “Hey, when does our contract with Aquafresh end?”
DONE DEAL
A man decides to have his house painted. When the painters are done they hand him the bill. The guy is surprised to see they’re charging him for labour only and not for the paint.
“You did a great job,” he tells the foreman, “but tell me, why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”
“Don’t worry about the paint,” the foreman says. “It’s on the house.”
NAKED TRUTH
A man leaves work early one day and is driving home when he sees a guy jogging in the nude past his house. He rolls down his car window and asks the naked guy, “Why are you jogging in the buff?”
“Because you’re home early,” the jogger says.
NOT CHEAP
A scientist goes to buy a brain to complete a study. He notices the prices of the various brains vary depending on the profession of the person from whom they were harvested.
“How much does it cost for an engineer’s brain?” he asks the shop assistant. “R100 a kilogram,” the assistant says. “And how much for a computer programmer’s brain?” “R200 a kilogram.” “And for a lawyer’s brain?” “That’s R1 000 a kilogram.” “Why is the lawyer’s brain so much more?” “Do you know how many lawyers you need to get one kilogram of brain?”