Ask Dr Louise .

‘Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom’ – THOMAS JEFFERSON, AMERICAN FOUNDING FATHER

I’m 21 and my boyfriend is 29. We’ve been dating for more than a year. He’s always said he wants to start a family with me but I asked him to wait until I finish my studies. The more I got to know him, the more I fell in love with him so I thought I should compromise and give him his dream. We tried to get pregnant but weren’t able to – I don’t know if there’s something medically wrong with me or if it’s due to stress as my studies are quite demanding.

I had a gut feeling he was seeing someone else but when I confronted him about it he’d say I’m crazy. I’m sorry to say I cheated on him a few months ago. I came clean to him and expected we’d break up but he briefly got mad and then forgave me. It made me love him even more.

We kept trying to get pregnant but then he told me he has a four-month-old baby with someone else. I’m in so much pain. Seeing pictures on his phone of him with this other woman while she was pregnant just broke me. He says he doesn’t love her and that they’re no longer together but I don’t trust him. He’s hoping I’ll forgive him because he forgave me. But this isn’t the life I hoped for. I don’t know if I can be with him knowing he gave such a beautiful gift to someone else. Tebogo, email Firstly, just because your boyfriend wants to have a baby doesn’t mean you have to comply with his wishes. Your focus at the moment, as you’ve expressed, should be your studies. Having a baby while you’re busy with your studies is unwise as it will be stressful for you. Focus on one thing at a time. Besides, your boyfriend’s behaviour is somewhat irresponsible – if he doesn’t love this other woman, why have a baby with her?

Both you and your boyfriend need to be more mature about this issue. A baby isn’t simply a “nice to have” – having a child places a serious burden of responsibility on the parents.

Focus on finishing your studies and take time to sort out your relationship with your boyfriend.

If you really love him and want to make things work you have to acknowledge that you both made mistakes. You both cheated and if you really love him you shouldn’t let jealousy about the other woman cloud your judgment. If you choose to resume the relationship tell him you don’t want to have a baby yet. You need time to learn to trust each other again and to be sure you really want a future together.

HE’S NOT A GOOD KISSER

I have a problem that I don’t know how to broach with my partner. I love, respect and admire him but I don’t like his kissing style. I just don’t enjoy it and I don’t know how to go about telling him, even though we’re very close.

I’m concerned about talking to him about it as I think he’ll find it hurtful. I know it might not seem all that important an issue to some people, but I don’t want to just “grin and bear it”. Or is there some way I can shift the way I think about it? Justine, email You should raise the issue with your partner because it’s important to you and there’s a way to handle the discussion with finesse. When you have to convey something that could be seen as negative, especially if it’s personal, it’s all about how you “package” your comments.

Simply saying, “I don’t enjoy the way you kiss” would be too direct and could be quite hurtful – even if it’s how you truly feel.

Some people think being honest is ultimately the most important thing, but there’s no denying that how you convey your feelings will have an impact on your relationship.

A more compassionate way to get your point across would be to say something like, “Let’s experiment with different ways of kissing and see which we both like.”

You’re raising the topic without saying he’s doing something wrong and making it clear that you want both of you to enjoy it.

If he’s perceptive he’ll realise you’re not enjoying his kissing as much as you’d like to, and will hopefully try something different.

SHE HAS RULES FOR DATING

I met a stunning girl about six months ago and we’ve started dating. She has all these rules I have to follow though, and if I don’t she says she doesn’t want to go out with me.

I’m not allowed to pitch up at her home – she lives in a duplex on her own – without making an appointment first.

I’m not allowed to tell my friends we’re dating – I can only tell them that we’re friends. I’m not allowed to sleep over, so I have to leave her place no matter how late it is.

I’m also not allowed to be friends with her on Facebook or know anything about her family. I feel as if I’m dating a ghost. Ronald, email