INSIDE THE MIND OF A MISTRESS
The secrets, the thrills, the subterfuge, the regrets – two women share their intimate stories about having an affair By GABISILE NGCOBO
IT’S a love triangle that ticks all the titillating boxes – a high-powered man, a take-no-prisoners wife and a bootylicious bit on the side. Add social media into the mix and a volley of outrageous tweets and you have a story the whole country’s talking about. This was the case recently when Nomachule “Norma” Gigaba (36), wife of finance minister Malusi Gigaba (45), mentioned the rumoured 2015 affair between her husband and Buhle Mkhize, a glamorous 30-something businesswoman who’s believed to live in New York.
In a recent TV interview Norma was asked about the alleged affair and said dealing with the allegations had made her stronger.
But she added it had been hard on her elderly parents, especially as the stories had begun shortly after she and Malusi were married.
Afterwards Buhle ranted on Twitter. “Could you not have declined to answer that question?” she tweeted and included Norma’s Twitter handle.
“You started it knowing I go crazy when you step on my toes,” she said.
Buhle has subsequently vanished from social media and deleted her Twitter account – but the exchange has brought the issue of mistresses back into the public eye.
Affairs are as old as the hills, of course, and hardly ever end without tears being shed. So why do people embark on them?
A study by the Soul City Institute for Health & Development Communication questioned those involved in extramarital affairs about their motivation.
Male respondents said they had affairs because they were simply inclined to have more than one partner, they wanted sexual satisfaction, or peer pressure made them do it.
Women’s reasons and needs were a little different – while they also wanted sexual satisfaction, they did it for money and material gain too.
As the controversy around the finance minister continues to rage, we asked two women what drove them to have an affair – and how being a mistress has affected their lives.
JOHANNESBURG estate agent Teresa Abrahams* (37) was married with a child when she cheated on her husband with a married man, whom she met through work.
“We were both unhappily married,” she says. “We started sharing all the bad stories about our spouses – and obviously when you hear the weakness of the other woman, you as the side chick try to please him a little more.
“I’d give him a meal because his wife no longer cooked for him or listened to him – little things like that.”
He responded by spoiling her and “making me feel special”.
“I mentioned to him I needed a hair straightener and he bought me one for my birthday. My husband on the other hand . . . He’d known for years I wanted one but he never did anything about it. I thought, ‘Jeez, this guy really listens to me.’ ”
Teresa would make some excuse to her
husband and arrange to meet her boyfriend, even spending weekends away with him.
“It’s not that hard. You go in separate cars, you meet at the place and no one sees you or knows you.”
When they didn’t go away they’d tell their spouses they were working late and book a hotel room.
“I’d go to the room and he’d come as a visitor. There are many ways – during working hours, at lunch time . . . And when I had to show a property we’d meet there and have a quickie.”
Teresa’s husband eventually suspected something was up and confronted her. She confessed and they divorced. Her lover also divorced his wife and he and Teresa are now married and have two young children.
So is it a case of all’s well that ends well?
“Not exactly,” she says. “I regret hurting my ex, my child and my parents. I know I was selfish – I put myself first and the guilt will never really go away.
“I didn’t even try to work things out with my ex. He wasn’t a bad person, he just wasn’t my soulmate. But at least we’re friends now.”
An affair can be exhilarating, she adds. “While you’re doing it, it’s exciting and you don’t think of anyone but yourself. It was a wonderful new life I was living.
“Now that I’m older I’m like, ‘How could you be so cruel to someone you promised to God you’d be faithful to?’ ”
Yet she says she’s happy now and her second husband understands her.
“We can only hope we’ve learnt from our mistakes. I wish I’d never cheated, especially knowing that one day when your kids are older they’re going to find out.”
THABISILE Gumede* (34) has been in a relationship with another woman for more than a year. Her lover is married to a man with whom she has three kids. The secrecy around their affair is so intense they’ve only recently tried doing things other couples do, such as going out together.
They often see each other after work – both have office jobs – but once the woman leaves Thabisile’s house to be with her family, there’s no communication between them at all.
Thabisile doesn’t even know her lover’s husband’s name and or where she lives. And she prefers it that way, she says – the less she knows, the less the temptation to find out more.
Her lover’s husband once caught his wife cheating on him with another woman.
“She made a promise she wouldn’t do it again. And if she tells him she’s with a friend he’s going to ask, ‘Which friend is this? Do I know her?’ ”
She was reluctant to get into a relationship, Thabisile says. “It wasn’t that I wasn’t interested – I was just hesitant because she’s married.”
But passion proved too great and she succumbed. They’ve been together since March last year. She admits it’s not easy dating a married person.
“There are days I’m frustrated and wish I could dump her and find someone I know will only be mine.”
Then she remembers her lover is doing her best under the circumstances.
“I see her every day until around 8.30 pm and sometimes at weekends.”
Thabisile says she doesn’t consider herself a mistress and when she once hinted to her lover about a life with just the two of them, without her husband in the picture, it didn’t go down well.
“She called me to order. It wasn’t nice. She said, ‘Don’t put pressure on me because I’m still also trying to understand what’s happening and if I try to leave my husband to be with you what’s going to happen to my kids?’
“She said her husband had done nothing for her to do all this. She said, ‘He treats me well and I have everything I want. What reasons will I give should I leave him?’ “It’s very complicated.” She and her lover have broken up and got back together several times, Thabisile adds. Does she feel guilty about having an affair with a married person? “Nobody plans to be with a married person,” she replies. “Well, maybe some people do but I don’t. I just fell in love. What can I do about that?” *Not their real names.