Ask Dr Louise .
I’m a 26-year-old bachelor and I want to date different women and give myself the opportunity to get to know them and hopefully fall in love with the right person. But I find it difficult to get women to understand that a first date doesn’t necessarily mean there will be more dates or that I’ll fall in love with them.
In most cases the women I’ve dated immediately took the attention I paid them and my behaving like a gentleman as an indication that I’m interested in taking things further.
It then ended with them in tears when I explained that I want to date other women, and I ended up feeling like a monster. How should I handle this? Benjamin, email
Women and men differ in many respects, I believe, and these differences come into play clearly on the dating scene and in relationships. Men can compartmentalise their feelings more easily and can enjoy a meal with a woman without becoming emotionally involved. Women are more likely to be guided by their emotions and as a result may read a situation completely differently.
What you need to do is be upfront from the onset of the date. Tell her you’re dating other women as well because your aim is to get to know people and not to jump into a relationship.
Explain that you’d prefer to get to know someone well before you start a relationship with them so you can be sure there’s chemistry and that you share the same interests. You’ll have made your intentions (which aren’t unreasonable) clear and she can then decide if she’s willing to accept this or not.
If she accepts what you’ve said and still feels hurt afterwards, there’s no need for you to feel responsible as you were honest about your expectations. It’s simply a fact of life that you sometimes don’t get what you want and have to make the best of the situation. But you must be careful not to behave in a way – particularly nonverbally – that might give her the impression you’re really into her before you actually want to convey that message.