How to raise happy kids .
Dutch kids are apparently the happiest in the world – so two expat moms living in Holland decided to figure out why. Here’s what they discovered
TWO expatriates living in the Netherlands and raising their young kids there, Rina Mae Acosta and Michele Hutchison, were both delighted and intrigued by a 2013 United Nations Children’s Fund (Unicef) study that found Dutch children were the happiest in the world. Rina, an Asian American, moved to the Netherlands after marrying Dutchman Bram, and the couple have two sons. Michele, who’s from the UK and didn’t want to give up her publishing job after marrying Martijn, thought she’d be able to bring up her kids in London while Martijn commuted from Amsterdam on weekends to be with the family. But the more time she spent in the Netherlands, the more she liked Dutch family life.
The two moms, who met in the expat community, had noticed that the Dutch parenting style was very different to what they were used to. So the findings of the Unicef study – that Dutch kids are the happiest and most contented among those in rich countries* – piqued their interest.
Britain had come 16th on the list of 29 countries and America 26th. Rina and Michele wanted to understand why, so they talked to researchers, academics, psychologists, teachers, other parents and kids, and co-wrote a book called Happiest Kids In The World: Bringing Up Children the Dutch Way.
They acknowledge that issues such as crime, employment, education and childcare are very different in the Netherlands. “It’s not comparing like with like – Amsterdam is minuscule and of course living in a smaller city makes life with children easier,” they say. But they believe it’s about more than just a matter of scale and that parents everywhere can apply something from what they’ve learnt.
In this extract they give the low-down on the Dutch approach to parenting.
TWO toddlers have just chased each other to the top of a climbing frame and are jostling to get down the slide first. Their mothers are lost in conversation on a nearby park bench, sipping their lattes. In the distance, a dog barks and a little boy ambles along on his balance bike, trailed by his grandfather who’s pushing a buggy.
A gang of older children in tracksuits come racing along the bike path, laughing and joking, hockey sticks dangling dangerously close to their wheels. They overtake a young mom who’s cycling more slowly, balancing a baby in a seat on the front of her bike and a toddler on the back.
A group of girls are playing piggy-inthe-middle on the grass, their joyful shrieks filling the air. Not far away, some boys are perfecting their skateboarding moves. None of the school-age children are accompanied by adults.
This happy scene isn’t from a movie. It’s just a regular Wednesday afternoon in springtime in a park in Amsterdam and it’s a scene that’s enacted all across the Netherlands every day.
In the Unicef survey, in which Dutch children rated their own happiness levels, more than 95 percent of them considered themselves happy. The scene described above should give you an idea why: Dutch children enjoy freedoms denied to children in the countries we come from, and thrive on them.
When we say we’ve noticed that children here are happy, we don’t mean they are constantly leaping for joy, bouncing
off the walls and spontaneously bursting into Pharrell Williams’ Happy.
Dutch children are self-aware and confident, quick to take initiative, and they don’t demand the constant attention of grown-ups. They know how to entertain themselves. This is the kind of happiness children experience when their parents listen to and respect their opinions.
English and American parents these days are much more engaged with their children than parents of previous generations were and are inclined to believe that everything a child does requires vigilant adult supervision. The defining feature of modern- day parents in the UK and the US is anxiety: our friends back home are running themselves ragged; every parenting decision is fraught with doubt, second thoughts and guilt.
Why aren’t Dutch parents weighed down by this anxiety? Why is it that they don’t show the over-anxious, helicopter behaviour so common elsewhere?
The Dutch have reined in the anxiety, stress and expectations of modern-day parenting, redefining the meaning of success and wellbeing. For them, success starts with happiness – that of their children and themselves. KIDS ARE ENCOURAGED TO BE INDEPENDENT There’s something old-fashioned about life in the Netherlands. Dutch children enjoy a huge degree of freedom: they ride their bikes to school, play on the streets and visit friends after school, all unaccompanied.
Dutch parents believe in giving their kids the freedom to roam, even if it means they may fall and hurt themselves. It’s what the Netherlands’ very own “Professor of Happiness”, Ruut Veenhoven of Erasmus University in Rotterdam, calls “independence training”. It’s wrong to try to curtail or protect kids too much, he says – they must learn to fall down and pick themselves up again. “If they never fall, they never learn to avoid it,” says Van Veenhoven, who’s spent years researching happiness. Allowing them to be bored is also important: how else can children learn to play on their own? A parent’s job is not to entertain them constantly. Kids need to find ways to occupy themselves, invent their own amusements: that will stimulate their creativity and ingenuity.
It’s true that, these days, in busy city centres in the Netherlands, fewer kids are being allowed to cycle and there’s a general move towards protecting children more. But it’s nothing like the overprotective anxiety you find in the UK or the US.
Dutch kids’ parents played outside unsupervised when they were young and they consciously try to allow their children to do the same because they believe that by cutting out outdoor play you hamper your child’s development.
Free-range parenting might look like neglect to over-anxious, protective parents, but it could be in your child’s best interest. According to research stemming from the 1960s, the happiest, most successful children are the ones whose parents let them play where they want to and respect their autonomy, but stay responsive and involved when required.
While the Dutch parents we spoke to do worry about their children playing next to water or in the woods, or cycling on busy bike paths, they try to put their own fears into perspective and don’t allow them to restrict their children unreasonably. THERE’S A GOOD WORK-LIFE BALANCE Dutch society has fought for and achieved an enviable work-life balance. Part-time work has become the norm and this means families have time to do things together.
As the part-time work champions of Europe, the Dutch work on average 29 hours a week, dedicate at least one day a week to spending time with their children and pencil in time for themselves, too. You won’t find a Dutch mother expressing guilt about the amount of time she spends with her children – she will make a point of finding time for herself outside of motherhood and work. DUTCH DADS PULL THEIR WEIGHT In the Netherlands, the division of labour between men and women, moms and dads, has evolved radically. Dutch fathers aren’t afraid of looking like sissies – they take an equal role in child-rearing and household chores.
Dutch men are known for excelling in things that can make a big difference to a family’s overall happiness: pulling their
‘A happiest, most successful childrenare ones whose parents respect their autonomy’