LAUGH A LITTLE
Fancy yourself a joker? Email original jokes to chuckles@ you.co.za or send them to Chuckles, YOU, PO Box 7167, Roggebaai 8012, and we may publish them on this page.
CAREER OPPORTUNITY
It’s bring-your-pet-to-work day at the office, so a guy takes his cat along. The cat checks out the office then walks up to the paper shredder and says, “Teach me everything you know.”
THE LIQUOR TALKIN’
A couple are at a party when the host walks up to them.
“You’re a good-looking woman,” he says, addressing the wife. “Honest. I’ve had only one beer.”
“Wow,” the husband interjects. “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.”
GOOD POINT
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
FORTUNE FAVOURS
After finishing their meal at a Chinese restaurant a couple crack open their fortune cookies. The woman’s reads, “Be quiet for a little while.”
Her husband’s reads, “Talk while you have a chance.”
IT’S THE THOUGHT
My wife believes we should give our three cats whatever they want. She can only speculate what they want though, so mainly they get a lot of handbags, hats and shoes.
THREE-WAY CHAT
A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue the wife says, “I love you.”
Her husband perks up. “Is that you or the wine talking?” he asks.
“It’s me,” his wife says, “talking to the wine.”
AHA!
A woman walks into an animal shelter and asks to have her female cat and six kittens spayed and neutered.
“Is the mother friendly?” the shelter assistant asks.
“Very,” the woman says. “That’s how we got into this mess in the first place.”
WHO NOSE?
On the first night of their honeymoon the new husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while she’s wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath which, so far, she’d been able to cover up.
After some soul-searching he gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”
His wife draws closer, peers into his eyes and says, “Darling, so do I.”
Recoiling he says, “Don’t tell me you’ve eaten my socks!”
SO MANY QUESTIONS . . .
These are questions tour guides have been asked by visitors to Alaska’s Denali, the highest mountain in North America: How much does this mountain weigh? Would lightning be faster if it didn’t zigzag? What do you do with all the snow when it melts?
THE ANGRY DOLL
A husband and wife have been married for 60 years and have no secrets except for one: the woman keeps a shoebox in her cupboard that she’s forbidden her husband from ever opening. On her deathbed however, and with her blessing, he opens the box – to find a crocheted doll and R250 000 in cash.
“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was never to argue,” his wife explains, “and that every time I got angry I should rather keep quiet and crochet a doll.”
Her husband is touched that she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asks.
“Oh,” she says, “that’s the money I made from selling dolls.”
I DO!
A middle-aged guy eyes himself in the bathroom mirror and turns to his wife of 30 years.
“Will you still love me when I’m old, fat and balding?” he asks.
His wife gives him a good look. “I do,” she replies.
EXACTLY
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.
SAVE THE HYPNO
A woman bursts into a hypnotherapist’s office and, weeping, declares, “Doctor, I’ve been faithful to my husband for 15 years but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”
The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again,” he mutters.
OH, WELL . . .
A guy is in a lift when a pretty girl steps in with a cellphone pressed to her ear.
“I have to go,” she tells the person on the other end, “there’s a cute guy standing here.”
Just as the guy starts to get excited she turns to him and says, “Sorry for lying. I just wanted to end that conversation.”
JUST NOT RIGHT
A mother complains to her daughter’s teacher that the other kids are stealing her child’s pencils.
“It’s not the money; it’s the principle,” the woman explains. “My husband took those pencils from work!”