I DON’T WANT TO FORGET MY ABUSE

Q I was sexually abused as a young child. The abuse – by my uncle – started when I was five and carried on until I was 10, when he died in a car accident. I didn’t tell anyone until I got engaged to the man who’s now my husband. I told him because I had to explain why I refused to have sex with him. I also told him that even once we got married I wouldn’t have sex with him.

I keep reliving the abuse and I swore I’d never go to therapy in case I forget the horrors of that time. My husband and I have now been married for four years and he’s given me an ultimatum – he says if I don’t go for therapy and sort out this problem he’ll divorce me. How can he do that? He knew when he married me that he got damaged goods and that he’d have to be satisfied with that. Rosie, email

A It seems as if you’re holding on to the fact that you were a victim and are in fact afraid to let go of that bad time in your life as it will change the status quo.

You continue to see yourself as a victim while your husband is hoping you’ll be able to move on to being a survivor instead. He has all the right in the world (because he loves you and cherishes your marriage) to expect you to give up your old status and work towards a new status for the sake of your relationship.

I can’t promise you therapy will be enjoyable. In fact, therapy can be painful and exhausting. But what I can tell you is that the problem can be resolved – it’s possible to stop seeing yourself as an abused little girl and to start seeing yourself as a fully functioning young woman. You just need to be brave enough to take the first step – and then the one after that, and the one after that.