LAUGH A LITTLE
A couple are having problems with their internet so they call a computer technician.
“I’ll need your password,” the computer guy tells the husband.
“Sure,” he says and shouts to his wife in the other room, “Darling, what’s our password?”
“Start with a capital S, then 1-2-3,” she shouts back.
The technician tries “S123” several times but with no luck.
“Let me try,” the wife says. As she inputs the password she mutters to herself, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing ‘Start123’.”
ALTERNATIVE TRUTH
Sign spotted at a lawyer’s office: “Just because you did it doesn’t mean you’re guilty.”
SLIPPERY CHARACTER
A woman calls the local police station to report that there’s a snake in her backyard.
“I need to know what kind of snake it is,” the officer on duty says. “Can you describe it?”
“Yes,” the woman says, “it’s long and thin. And, oh, it doesn’t have arms or legs.”
CAN’T WAIT
Right now I’m at work using the internet. But in my mind I’m already at home using the internet.
IT’S A SECRET
The new preschool teacher is getting to know her class and introduces herself to each kid.
“And what’s your name?” she says to one four-year-old boy. “Spider-Man,” he replies. “No, I mean your real name,” she says. “Oh, sorry,” the boy says. “Peter Parker.”
DRIVEN ROUND THE BEND
A bus company receives a letter from an elderly commuter: Dear sir, I’d like to commend your driver on the Main Road route for the following reasons: 1 He frequently doesn’t stop for me when I’m waiting at the bus stop, but always waves as he goes by. 2 He nearly comes to a complete stop now when I disembark, so I haven’t fallen in almost a week. 3 Although he usually gives me wrong instructions on which bus to take, I enjoy riding all around our city on the various routes. 4 The way he suddenly starts and stops, rides the rear bumper of the car ahead and pulls several Gs of force when he turns corners, unfailingly elevates my heart rate. This has obvious health benefits. Sincerely yours . . .
EDUCATION CANCELLED
I spent three years at university but I didn’t learn a thing. It was my own fault – I had two majors: psychology and reverse psychology.
LEGAL EAGLES ON THE CASE
These are actual questions asked by lawyers in court:
“How many times have you committed suicide?” “Were you alone or by yourself?” “Was it you or your brother who was killed?” “Without saying anything, tell the jury what you did next.”
“Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”
“Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
NOW THERE’S A THOUGHT
A woman can’t find her cordless phone and starts looking for it all over the house, watched by her daughter.
After several minutes of this the little girl says, “Mom, you know what they should invent? A phone that’s connected to its base with a wire so it can never get lost.”
CATASTROPHIC QUERY
A six-year-old girl is driving her parents crazy with her nonstop barrage of questions about everything, all the time. Finally one day her mom has had enough.
“Have you ever heard that curiosity killed the cat?” she says to her daughter. “No,” the little girl says. “Well, there was once a cat, and he was very inquisitive. And then one day he looked into a big hole, fell in and died!”
“Hmm,” her daughter says, intrigued. “And what was in the hole?”
JUST BEING CAREFUL
A guy is teaching his small son how to ride his first bike with training wheels.
“Now if you need to stop,” he explains, “step back on the pedals and the bike will brake.”
The boy nods then proceeds to ride straight into a bush.
“Why didn’t you push back on the pedals?” his dad asks as he helps the boy up.
“You said if I did, the bike would break.”
DON’T TELL ANYONE
A helper at a daycare centre is showing a young boy how to zip up his top.
“The secret,” she explains, “is to get this piece of the zip to fit into the other side before you try to do it up.”
After struggling with the zip for several minutes the boy sighs and says, “Why does it have to be a secret?”
BEAR WITH US
If global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance you’d have of seeing a polar bear would be in a zoo. So in other words, nothing is going to change.
THE FINAL FIX
After getting married a couple move into a home with a large garden. The new wife decides to try her hand at gardening but soon realises she knows nothing about it, so she asks her mother for advice.
“My problem is that I can’t even tell a rose from a dandelion,” she explains. “I know I have to weed the garden, but how do I know which plants are weeds?”
“It’s simple,” her mom offers. “Pull them all up. If it comes back, it’s a weed.”
NOW STAY FOCUSED
How many kids with attention deficit disorder does it take to change a light bulb?
Um . . . let’s go ride our bikes.
ALL IN THE FAMILY, NOT
An employee at a large company complains to a fellow worker that he’s miserable at his job and is desperately searching for a new one.
“Why don’t you go to work for your mother?” his friends suggests. “I understand she runs a large firm.”
“I can’t,” the guy says. “Her company has a strict policy against hiring relatives.” “Who made up that ridiculous rule?” “My mother.”
SHADY MEAL
During dinner one evening a woman is explaining the health benefits of a colourful meal to her family.
“The more colours, the more variety of nutrients,” she says and points to the food on the table. “How many different colours do you see?”
“Six,” her daughter volunteers. “Seven if you count the burnt parts.”
AS MOM PUTS IT
A couple invite people to dinner. At the table the wife turns to their little daughter and says, “Would you like to say the blessing, dear?” “I don’t know what to say,” the girl replies. “Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife says.
“Okay” the girl says, then bows her head and begins, “Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
IT’S COMPLICATED
“Why doesn’t your mother like me?” a girl asks her boyfriend.
“Don’t take it personally,” he assures her. “She’s never liked anyone I’ve dated. I once dated someone exactly like her, and that didn’t work out at all.” “What happened?” “My father couldn’t stand her.”
NO SWEAT
We use a really strong sunscreen when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF80: You squeeze the tube, and a jersey comes out.
EARLY WORM
Before dawn one morning a woman is awakened by the telephone ringing. Sleepily she gets up to answer it.
“Hi!” says the voice of her peppy motherinlaw, who then proceeds to rattle on about the busy day she has ahead and all the things that await her the rest of the week.
“Mom,” the woman interrupts, “it’s five in the morning.”
“Really? What are you doing up so early?”