I REGRET BEING A BAD MOM

Q I divorced my abusive husband many years ago and took our two daughters with me when I moved out. He’d been both physically and sexually abusive. Those were extremely difficult years and I could barely keep my head above water financially. I worked two jobs while trying to raise two small children without a support system.

The result was that there were many nights when I was so exhausted I shouted at them and didn’t do all the nice things mothers are supposed to do, such as play with them, read bedtime stories and tuck them into bed.

Now, years later – and after both of them have had some psychological problems – they both tell me they’ve forgiven me and that we should move on. But I’m unable to forgive myself for my behaviour back then. What can I do? Sophia, email

A Parents usually try their best when it comes to their children and that’s what you did – you got out of a bad marriage, removed them from a potentially dangerous situation and you worked hard to put food on the table and provide for your daughters.

They might have been very young, but your daughters probably remember the difficult times and now that they’re adults they can see that you tried your best – that’s why it’s easy for them to forgive you. You accepting their forgiveness is just as important as the fact that they’ve forgiven you – they need you to accept it in order for all of you to heal mentally.

You need to stop knocking yourself and feeling guilty. You know why it happened and it’s over now, so focus on being the best mother you can be to them from now on. They need you even now that they’re adults and if you hold on to guilt from the past you won’t be able to truly nurture your relationship with them now. Accept their forgiveness and focus on the present.