Soli Philander: this is the real me!
Soli Philander tells how after his divorce he had a breakthrough moment when he finally understood and embraced his true sexuality
THEY had one of the strongest and seemingly happiest relationships in showbiz. In interviews Soli Philander sang his wife Toni’s praises – after more than 30 years together she was far more than his spouse, he said, she was his soulmate. Nobody understood him better than she did.
Which was why everyone was shocked when out of the blue in 2015 the wellknown TV and theatre personality walked out of the marriage. Now two years later the 56-year-old is willing to talk for the first time about the decision that stunned friends, family and fans.
He’s finally the Soli Philander he’s always wanted to be, he tells us in an exclusive interview. It’s taken him almost a lifetime of soul-searching and at last he can express it in words: “I’m non-binary,” he tells us.
Although for 33 years he was in a committed relationship with Toni he was open about the fact that in the past he’d had relationships with both men and women. This led many of those closest to him to assume he was bisexual – but the truth was far more complicated.
“It’s exciting to get to a space where I can identify with my true self. This is who I am. I’m not a man. I’m not a woman. I’m Soli, and I’m not going to apologise for that any more.”
By identifying as non-binary it means that he sees himself as neither male nor female (see box on opposite page). It’s hard for Soli to explain because he’s still working it all out, but his body language and face is clear: he’s happy.
He had his big breakthrough moment two weeks before our interview while driving his car. The dreadlocked comedian tells us he has one of his kids to thank for getting him out of his bisexual “box”.
“One of them mentioned to me that they’re non-binary. I looked it up and immediately identified with it. Now I’m able to describe who I am. The otherness of me, that I used to think of as a deviance, I now understand. I’m no longer struggling with it. I want to tell others who feel the same as me that it’s okay to be different. There’s a space for you.”
He sometimes enjoys wearing tight pants and he likes going to gay nightclubs, Soli says. “People sometimes find it strange seeing me on a date with a man but they’re welcome to feel shocked – my need to please others is gone.”
Just before the publication of this article, Soli told two of his kids that he’s nonbinary. The other two had known for a few weeks, he says. “I still have to tell Toni, but she’ll probably just say, ‘It makes sense,’” he says and laughs. “She won’t be shocked,” he says, adding that after all she’s known all along that he was bisexual.
He hasn’t been in a serious relationship since his marriage ended. “But I’m dating and I’m enjoying it.”
SOLI has always known he’s different. “I knew as a child that I wasn’t heteronormative.” Growing up in Elsies River, Cape Town, he was well aware of society’s ideas about what a man should be, and how he should act. “And if you’re even a little bit different, there’s something wrong with you. Then you take that little box in which you’ve been put as a ‘man’ and learn to make the best of it.”
In February 2015, Soli decided to ask Toni for a divorce. He’d been married to the mother of his children – Danya (29), Kyla (25), Caleb (23) and Ethan (21) – since 1990.
He moved out of their home in Woodstock and now lives in a flat in the area. “Toni was sad and then angry,” he says as he chats to us at a restaurant near his apartment. “We weren’t on speaking terms for a long time and it was difficult but we’re comfortable with each other again.”
He says they’re working on their friendship. “You can’t just throw away 30 years. We’ve been through a lot together. I love her very much. We were a good team. I was happily married. I loved my life.
“But I left her,” he says, shaking his head. “I was the bad guy. I disappointed her in front of God. I broke my vow.”
It was “painful and horrible” to get divorced, he says.
“But we’d both given it our best. We’d hoped and prayed it would work.”
Every relationship reaches a point where you have to “change gears”, he explains. He only realised he was leaving her at the point he left, he adds. “I didn’t think about it. My children tease me and say maybe I should have thought it through a little more.”
These days he’s doing everything he can to “be the best Soli”. “I don’t want to die someday and be disappointed in myself, thinking I’d never been myself. I want to live fully.”
When he was younger he identified as bisexual.
“I didn’t really feel that I was bisexual, but it was easier to say that I was.”
He’s always had intense friendships with both men and women, he says. “Toni knew I was bisexual even before we were married. My daughters told her that she was brave to marry a bisexual man but she told them we were in a relationship and it was irrelevant because we were exclusive within that relationship.”
He emphasises that they were happy together. “She was a good wife and mother. We had a healthy sex life. To me sex is an important part of a healthy relationship.”
Soli says Toni actually helped him take the leap to where he is today. One day in the middle of the divorce she asked him, “Who are you actually?”
That shocked him, he says, because she was the one person who knew him best. “That’s when everything fell into place for me. I started thinking about what I’d call my own life and where everything fit into my life.”
Nobody’s ever asked him if he’s heterosexual, he says. “Just because I have children and was married to a woman doesn’t mean I’m heterosexual.”
He started dating immediately after the split. “I knew Toni would never take me back once I’d been with somebody else. Meeting other people was somehow a way to end things with her once and for all. I know it was a little cruel.”
Thinking back, Soli says he wouldn’t have done anything differently. “I still would’ve wanted to live the same life. I chose that life because I wanted children. I’m happy with my choices.” But even so, he’s sad about losing Toni. “I don’t think anyone will ever love me as much as she did.”
But now he’s single and ready for new relationships – and there’s a big perk to being non-binary.
“Your chances of getting a date are doubled,” he says with a cheeky grin.
Soli’s new one-man theatre show, Nice Coat, opens at Artscape in Cape Town in November.
His body language and face is clear: he’s happy