What’s your personality type?

Are you an Obliger, a Rebel, a Questioner or an Upholder? An American author has identified four personality types that explain our behaviour

YOU’VE been looking forward to a quiet evening of much-needed metime spent at home in front of the TV – when your boss suddenly asks you to stay late to help finish an urgent project.

Your heart sinks but you immediately agree, staying on until the job is done.

Sound like you? If so, you’re an Obliger – one of the four personality types bestselling American author Gretchen Rubin has identified in her new book, The Four Tendencies.

According to Gretchen – whose books all focus on human nature and the pursuit of happiness – Obligers are by far the biggest group, made up of people who are eager to respond to outer expectations but not very good at meeting their own.

The other three types are Upholders, Questioners and Rebels.

Upholders, of which Rubin is one, have no problem meeting both outer and inner expectations.

Questioners meet only inner expectations and Rebels resist all expectations, inner and outer.

Recognise yourself in one of these? Read this excerpt to find out more. UNDERSTANDING QUESTIONERS Questioners meet only inner expectations – and that includes outer expectations that they’ve turned into inner expectations. They show a deep commitment to information, logic and efficiency.

They want to gather their own facts, decide for themselves, and act with good reason. They object to anything they consider arbitrary, ill-reasoned, illinformed or ineffective.

Questioners meet an expectation only if they endorse it as efficient and reasonable. Once Questioners accept the reasons for an expectation, they’re selfdirected and don’t need much supervision. So for a boss trying to persuade a Questioner to use a new billing program, or a doctor trying to get a Questioner to take a medication, it’s worth the effort to spell out the justifications: why this task, why this way, why now?

If convinced – and that’s a crucial if – the Questioner will reliably follow through. The same process applies for Questioners considering an inner expectation. Say a Questioner wants to get back in shape. That Questioner needs to take the time to do his research, weigh his options, and be convinced that a particular type of exercise, for him, is the most efficient and productive way to get fit. STRENGTHS Once they make up their minds about the right course of action, they follow through without much difficulty.

Questioners want to make wellconsidered decisions and are often willing to do exhaustive research. They love to weigh their options. A love of spreadsheets is very common among Questioners.

Because of their enthusiastic research, Questioners often become resources for other people – they enjoy sharing their knowledge.

Questioners tend to be very interested in improving processes. They like to eliminate mistakes and make things run better. For Questioners, arguments like “We’ve always done it this way”, or “I’m the boss”, carry no weight. They want to know why. WEAKNESSES When Questioners don’t accept the justification for an expectation, they

refuse to meet it – which can get them into trouble. At home or at work, others may find their constant questioning to be tiresome, draining or obstructive.

A boss who doesn’t understand a Questioner’s ways may find the behaviour annoying or disrespectful, or decide that the Questioner “isn’t a team player”.

Similarly, for young Questioners, school can present a real challenge, because many school rules seem arbitrary UNDERSTANDING UPHOLDERS Upholders meet the work deadline without much fuss. For the most part, they want to do what others expect of them – and their expectations for themselves are just as important.

They tend to love schedules and routines – they’re the people who wake up and think, “What’s on my to-do list for today?” They like to know what’s expected of them, and they don’t like making mistakes or letting people down – including themselves. STRENGTHS Other people can rely on Upholders, and Upholders can rely on themselves. They’re self-directed and have little trouble hitting deadlines, keeping appointments or managing tasks – and they don’t depend on supervision, reminders or penalties to stay on track.

Upholders usually don’t mind wearing a uniform, following a recipe, or obeying instructions.

Just as Upholders readily meet outer expectations, they meet inner expectations. If Upholders decide to do something, they do it – even when other people don’t care, and sometimes even when other people are inconvenienced.

For Upholders, meeting expectations makes them feel creative and free because they can execute any plan they want. However, I don’t want to give the impression that Upholders never struggle to meet expectations. We do. I have to fight to maintain some of my good habits like going to the gym, making phone calls, or running errands. I procrastinate, I slip up. But for the most part, it’s easier for Upholders to meet expectations than it is for the other Tendencies. or inefficient, and teachers and administrators often feel little obligation to justify them.

In such a situation, Questioners may find it tough to complete necessary work, and they may act in ways that make them look uncooperative or impudent.

Questioners’ constant questioning process may exhaust and drain the people around them, yet those questions WEAKNESSES Because of their affinity for meeting expectations, Upholders may feel compelled to observe rules even when it’s more sensible to ignore them. Although I have no problem using a unisex bathroom, I can’t make myself use a restroom marked men, even if it’s a single-occupant room.

Upholders sometimes become impatient – or even disdainful – when people reject expectations, can’t impose expectations on themselves, or question expectations.

An Obliger reader wrote, “I told a co-worker that I can’t take vitamins must be answered if Questioners are to comply.

The constant questioning means that Questioners sometimes suffer from analysis-paralysis. They want to continue to gather research, weigh their options, and consider more possibilities.

They crave perfect information, but very often in life we must make decisions and move forward without perfect information. because it’s hard to stick to it without external accountability. She said, ‘Grow up’.”

Yep, sounds like an Upholder. Not a very nice Upholder, but an Upholder.

Upholders can become disapproving and uneasy when others misbehave, even in minor ways. I get tense if someone starts whispering to me during a meeting.

At the same time, my Upholderness can bring out my rude side. I don’t mean to be brusque or pushy, but I’m so worried about being late, or not following instructions correctly, that I may lose my courtesy.

They don't like making mistakes or letting people down

UNDERSTANDING OBLIGERS Identifying the Obliger Tendency finally gave me the answer to a friend who asked, “I never missed practice when I was on the high school track team, so why can’t I make myself go running now?”

When my friend had a coach and a team counting on her – external expectations – she had no trouble showing up for practice, but her own inner expectation wasn’t enough to get her running.

Obligers respond to external accountability. They wake up and think, “What must I do today? For whom?” When an expectation comes from the outside – from a boss, a client, a family member, a doctor, a coach, an accountability group, a colleague – Obligers will respond.

However, Obligers struggle to follow through for themselves. No matter how much they may want to meet a purely inner expectation – to exercise, to take an online course, to start their own company – they will almost inevitably fail. STRENGTHS The Obliger is the rock of the world. At work, at home, and in life, Obligers are the ones whom people count on the most. They show up, they answer the midnight call from the client, they meet their deadlines, they fulfil their responsibilities, they volunteer, they help out.

Obligers excel at meeting other people’s demands and deadlines. Because of their active sense of obligation to others, they make great leaders, team members, friends and family members. WEAKNESSES Obligers struggle to self-motivate – to work on a PhD thesis or to get their car serviced, even to get a massage. This can be a serious problem. An Obliger who dreams of launching a start-up or of giving up fast food may feel frustrated by his or her inability to follow through.

If the burden of outer expectations becomes too heavy, Obligers may show “Obliger-rebellion”: they meet, meet, meet an expectation, then suddenly they snap and refuse to meet that expectation any longer. Acts of Obliger-rebellion can be small and symbolic or large and destructive.

Obligers often feel exploited – and they are. Because, after all, when it comes time to ask for someone’s help, whom do we ask? Obligers often feel both resentful and unappreciated.

This Obliger issue comes up often in an office environment. Obligers often find it hard to say no and may have trouble delegating – which can lead to bottlenecks and burnout.

Obligers keep meeting expectations that seem unreasonable until they “snap”. One Obliger described Obliger-rebellion: “I’m a bomb exploding, and I have no control of the devastation.” Other Obligers use words like “simmer”, “fester”, “eat away”, “boil over”, “erupt”, and “volcano” to describe their feelings.

While Obliger-rebellion sometimes makes it harder for Obligers to be healthy, happy and successful, Obliger-rebellion is also an important form of self-protection.

It can act as a vital emergency escape hatch. It allows the Obliger to break free from that hated job, unbearable spouse, difficult relationship or burdensome obligation.

Obligers struggle to follow through for themselves

UNDERSTANDING REBELS Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike. They want to do what they want to do, in their own way and in their own time – and if someone asks or tells them to do something, they resist.

They don’t even want to tell themselves what to do – they resist expectations imposed from within as vigorously as those imposed from without. Rebels want to act from a sense of choice, freedom and self-expression. Rebels wake up and think, “What do I feel like doing right now?” They resist control, even self-control, and often enjoy flouting rules, expectations and conventions.

Rebels aren’t persuaded by arguments such as, “People are counting on you,” “You’ve already paid for it,” “I did this task, so will you do that task?”, “This is the deadline,” or “It’s rude.”

They’re much more apt to respond to being told, “This will be fun,” “This is what you want,” or “I’m feeling anxious about this, do you think you can do it?”

The ability to choose is so important that sometimes they make a choice – even when it’s against their own self-interest or it’s not what they prefer – just to reassure themselves that they can make that choice. Of the Four Tendencies, Rebel has the fewest members. It’s a conspicuous group but a small one. STRENGTHS Rebels do something because they choose to do it, and so they’re free from many of the pressures that the other Tendencies face.

Rebels also take great pleasure in defying people’s expectations. A Rebel who gave up alcohol explained, “People told me I could never quit drinking, and I love rubbing their faces in it and proving how wrong they were.”

When they’re doing what they want, Rebels often drive themselves hard.

Rebels place a high value on authenticity and self-determination and want their lives to be a true expression of their values. They like to establish their own, often idiosyncratic, way of doing things. Right before a friend introduced me to someone she knew, she whispered, “Just so you know, he’s a fist bumper.”

Sure enough, when I held out my hand to shake, he held out his hand for a fist bump. He wasn’t just going to shake hands like everyone else. WEAKNESSES Rebels often frustrate others (and themselves). If a Rebel is asked or told to do something, the Rebel is likely to resist, and this can create problems. The harder the push, the greater the Rebel pushback. I laughed when a Rebel friend told me, “No one can tell me to do anything. I recently got an email saying ‘Please read’ in the subject line, and I immediately deleted it.”

Rebels resist just about anything they perceive to be an attempt at control – something as simple as a ringing telephone, a party invitation or a standing meeting. This reaction happens even when they realise that their resistance is self-destructive, counterproductive or contrary to their own desires.

Rebels want to do tasks in their own time – and if someone pushes them to hurry, they’re likely to resist and delay even more. The people around them may accuse them of being “procrastinators”, but Rebels aren’t necessarily reluctant to start work – they're refusing to be bossed around.

They often refuse to accept and be limited by a label – even one that’s accurate. For instance, some Rebels move or change jobs frequently, to resist being trapped in one identity. Rebels often don’t care about reputation, or they may revel in being considered difficult or different. And like many aspects of all the Tendencies, this can be both a strength and a weakness.