Ask Dr Louise

Q I’ve been married for two years and it’s been terrible for me even though my husband tries his best to be good to me and make things work. I’d never had sex before our marriage and everyone kept telling me I’d love it. But the opposite happened – I hate it. It’s so messy and primitive and it just puts me off.

I’ve talked to friends of mine and they say the way my husband and I make love is normal and nothing kinky. But I can’t stand to be penetrated and hate the thought of sleeping with someone at night. I also can’t stand to have someone in my face when I come home from work.

When I was single I had all the time in the world for myself and everything was clean and sanitary. I abhor smells like sweat and the smell of being aroused.

How can I deal with this? Mamsie, email

A It’s possible that something happened in your past that’s made you afraid to get too close to people physically and emotionally, and also caused you to become hyperhygienic. Living with your husband clearly makes you feel claustrophobic.

You need to explore your feelings with a psychologist. A trained professional can help you figure out what the source of these feelings is and work through them. If you can do that, you might feel differently about being married and having your husband in your life.

You could even ask the psychologist to explain the problem to your husband as she or he might be able to do it more gracefully, without causing a serious rift between the two of you.