Tips to quit complaining

Perpetual complainers don’t just risk alienation – they also risk their good mental and physical health

IT’S the day before a long weekend, you have a get-together planned with friends and the weather is great. You have every reason to be in good spirits – but you’ve just spent an hour in traffic and struggled to find a parking space, so you’re feeling annoyed and agitated.

When you get to work you barely greet your office mate before launching into a tirade about your frustrating morning. Ten minutes later in the staff kitchen you continue to complain to the colleagues you bump into there. And all the while your brain is rewiring itself to be more negative.

According to research by Nobel Prize-winning biochemist Thomas Südhof, every time a certain type of thought occurs in the brain synapses grow closer together to make it easier for them to communicate.

The brain is a marvel of efficiency, he says, and doesn’t like to work any harder than it has to. So when you repeat any behaviour – including complaining – the neurons in your brain branch out to one another to ease the flow of information, making it easier to repeat that behaviour in the future. It makes it so easy, in fact, that you do it without even thinking about it.

Basically, the more you complain the more you hardwire your brain for negativity. Johannesburg-based clinical psychologist Levandri Pillay likens this habit-forming pattern to the experience of learning to drive.

“When you first learn to drive you have to pay a lot of attention to what you’re doing,” she explains. “You think about changing gears and holding the steering wheel correctly because the synapses in your brain aren’t yet wired for this experience as you’ve never done it before.” The more you drive the more your brain trains itself by strengthening the synaptic connections involved. “This allows us to access those processes more easily.”

Neuroscientists have described the process as “neurons that fire together wire together” and it happens with any repeated behaviour, whether it’s driving a car, learning a new language or constantly complaining. The more you do it the easier it becomes. IT’S ALSO BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH Constant complaining doesn’t only give you a more negative mindset, it also affects you physically. It’s generally a manifestation of helplessness and frustration, which are offshoots of anger, and a 2014 study by researchers at the University of Pittsburgh in the US linked habitual complaining to a greater risk of heart disease, hypertension and stroke.

“On a physiological level, chronic complaining is associated with raised cortisol levels in the body,” says Pretoria-based clinical psychologist Jaco van Zyl. “High amounts of this stress hormone can impair essential body functions and lead to conditions such as a

Basically, the more you complain the more you hardwire your brain for negativity

suppressed immune system, memory problems and a higher risk of diabetes.”

The damaging effect of constant complaining on the body is the result of your mind and body working in unison, Pillay adds. You have a thought and your body responds accordingly.

“For example, when you’re about to kiss someone for the first time, before your lips even touch your heart is racing and you feel a tingling sensation in your stomach. These bodily responses occur because your thoughts are anticipating what’s going to happen,” she explains.

“It’s your body’s way of preparing you for what’s to come. So when you complain a lot and your thoughts are consumed by negativity, your body responds in a way to tell you something isn’t right – it puts you in a kind of alert state.”

This continuous “alert” state increases your stress level, which leads to stressrelated health issues. THE INNOCENT BYSTANDERS Constant complaining doesn’t only make it easier for you to be negative than positive, it also affects those around you – such as your poor office mate and the colleagues you vented to in the kitchen.

We tend to think that venting is healthy and cathartic but science suggests this reasoning is flawed. Research indicates that voicing negative thoughts doesn’t actually make us feel better. It’s also contagious as it makes listeners feel worse too.

“People don’t break wind in elevators more than they have to,” says Jeffrey Lohr, a psychology professor at the University of Arkansas in the US who’s done numerous studies on venting. “Venting anger and frustration is similar to emotional farting in a closed area. It sounds like a good idea but it’s dead wrong.”

Van Zyl agrees and points to those chronic complainers we all know and try to avoid. “Spending time with people who complain all the time often leaves one feeling emotionally drained, negative and frustrated,” he says. “One usually thinks twice before answering their phone calls, inviting them to social events or spending time with them.”

So what to do if you’re the hapless one on the receiving end of a never-ending stream of complaints from a colleague, friend, spouse or relative? Pillay warns against “feeding the beast” and suggests countering negative comments with a positive response.

“You’ll find that without the fuel of someone agreeing with the complaint or confirming negative thoughts as correct, the conversation can be steered in a more positive direction,” she explains.

If the person is such a hardwired complainer that even this strategy can’t take them off course, it might be necessary to alert them to their moaning habit and take a harder line.

“Assure them of your friendship but politely set boundaries by telling them you’ll no longer listen to their chronic complaining,” Van Zyl suggests.

‘Venting anger and frustration is similar to emotional farting in a closed area’

EXTRA SOURCES: THRIVEGLOBAL.COM, PSYCHOLOGYTODAY. COM, FASTCOMPANY.COM, ED.STANFORD.EDU, TINYBUDDHA. COM