Ask Dr Louise

Q I’m in my early twenties and recently discovered I was adopted. It’s been such a shock to find out the parents I love and admire so much aren’t my real mother and father.

I used to be so proud that I have such modern, loving, lovable and nurturing parents because all my friends are crazy about my mom and dad. Now they seem like strangers to me, as if they’re nothing to me. And I can’t help feeling that what they’ve done is allow me to live a lie.

I’ve also discovered that my birth mother was a drug addict and my father her pimp. What does this say about me? How am I going to hold my head high again? Patricia, email A There’s no doubt this must have come as a huge shock to you. But you should try to look at it this way: life has been extremely kind to you by giving you wonderful adoptive parents. They might not have told you because they didn’t know how to.

Of course they’re still your parents – and they always will be. Remember that they chose to be your parents. They chose to love you and make you their own and they’ll do so until the day they die. You might not share their DNA but there’s no question that your bond with them is forever. They raised you and are most likely the people who know you better than anyone.

The fact that your birth mother abused drugs and lived the life she did doesn’t mean she was “bad”. She might not have had the same opportunities you now have and which you should appreciate and enjoy. While working with people in prisons I learnt a valuable lesson: no human being is only bad. Most people have wonderful attributes but sometimes their circumstances don’t allow these to come to the fore. Your birth mother and father might have been faced with challenging circumstances.

Don’t push your adoptive parents away. Your relationship with them should be cherished.