LAUGH A LITTLE
IF IT WORKS . . .
A woman complains to her friend.
“All my husband and I do these days is fight,” she says. “I’ve been so upset I’ve lost 15kg.”
“If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” her friend asks.
“Well, first I’d like to lose another 10kg.”
WHAT CAN GO WRONG?
Two guys are chatting about their plans for the weekend.
“Are you coming to our place for a braai tomorrow?” the first guy says. “We’ll be there,” the second guy says. “Do you need directions?” “No thanks, I’m all set – I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.” “What’s a GPS override?” “My wife.”
SO THAT’S WHY
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
THE TIME HAS COME
A relationship counsellor is addressing a seminar for married couples.
“It’s been my experience,” he tells his audience, “that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So let’s see – how many people here make love once a day?”
Half the people raise their hands, all of them grinning widely.
“Once a week?” the counsellor continues. A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. “Okay, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The counsellor is shocked as this disproves his theory.
“If you make love only once a year,” he asks the guy, “why are you so happy?”
“Because,” the man yells, “today’s the day!”
LONG AND SHORT OF IT
A scientist walks into a pharmacy.
“Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid,” he asks the pharmacist.
“Do you mean aspirin?” the pharmacist says.
The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never remember the name.”
NOT COVERED
Two doctors and a health insurance salesman die and arrive at the Pearly Gates at the same time. One doctor steps forward and tells St Peter, “As a paediatric surgeon I saved the lives of hundreds of children.” St Peter lets him enter. The second doctor steps forward. “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives,” he says.
St Peter tells him to go ahead.
Then the health insurance salesman walks up. “I helped countless families get cost-effective healthcare,” he says.
“You may enter,” St Peter says. “But you can only stay for three days. After that you can go to hell.”
LEAVE AS IS
Three guys are fishing at a lake when an angel appears and offers to assist them with their problems.
The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you please help me?”
The angel touches the man’s back and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to his thick glasses and begs for a cure for his poor eyesight. The angel takes his glasses and tosses them into the lake. The man instantly gains 20/20 vision.
As the angel turns to the third fellow he recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I don’t want to lose my disability grants!”
ABOUT TIME
After a check-up a doctor asks his patient, “Is there anything you’d like to discuss?”
“Well,” the guy says, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
“Yes, we took a vote. They’re in favour of it 15 to 2.”
THE IMPORTANT BIT
A guy experiences what he believes might have been symptoms of a heart attack, so he goes to hospital for a check-up. While waiting to see his cardiologist he chats to a nurse. “What happened?” she asks. “I’d taken our cat to the vet,” the guy explains, “and while I was there my chest got tight and I had trouble breathing. Later, my left arm began to ache.”
“I see,” the nurse says. “But how’s your cat doing?”
THERE ALL ALONG
They’ve just found the gene for shyness. They would’ve found it earlier but it was hiding behind some other genes.
FAME AT LAST
After examining his patient the doctor says, “What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news?”
“Give me the good news, doc,” his patient says.
“Well, you’re about to have a disease named after you.”
IN OVER HIS HEAD
A guy is about to have dental surgery and has to fill in a stack of forms. As he starts signing them he jokes with the dentist’s receptionist: “Does this form I just signed say that even if you pulled my head off completely, I won’t be able to sue you?”
“No, that’s on the next form,” she says. “This one says you’d still have to pay us.”
JUST TRYING TO HELP
A guy suffering from a high fever and headaches begs his doctor for relief. The doctor prescribes pills but after a week the guy is still sick. So the doctor gives him a shot of antibiotics, but it doesn’t help his condition.
“Okay, this is what I want you to do,” the doctor says on the guy’s third visit. “Go home and take a hot bath. Then throw open all the windows and stand in the draught.”
“But I’ll get pneumonia!” the guy protests.
“I know,” the doctor says. “But that I can cure.”
PATERNAL PRIORITY
A woman pregnant with her first child goes to see her doctor.
“My husband wants me to ask you something . . .” she begins.
The doctor interrupts her. “I get asked that question all the time,” he says in a reassuring tone. “Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”
“No, that’s not it,” she says “My husband wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
NOT SO SIMPLE
A guy hadn’t any reason to see his doctor in about seven years. When he finally decides to make an appointment for a check-up, the doctor’s receptionist tell him that he’d have to be reprocessed as a new patient. “Okay,” the guy says, “so reprocess me.” “I’m sorry, I can’t,” she tells him. “We’re not accepting any new patients.”
LAUGH A MINUTE
A mother is trying her hand at using texting acronyms.
“Hi,” she writes to her niece, “your greataunt just passed away. LOL.” Her 10-year-old son looks over her shoulder. “Why is that funny, Mom?” he asks. “It’s not!” she says, “what do you mean?” “Mom, ‘LOL’ means Laughing Out Loud.” “Oh! I thought it meant Lots Of Love.”
SELFLESS ACT
A guy gets a call from his elderly mother.
“Hi,” she says, “can you come over? I want you to take a selfie of me.”
GETTING THE MESSAGE
“Why don’t you ever call me?” a mother berates her grown-up daughter.
“Mom, I call all the time,” her daughter replies. “If you had voicemail you’d know.”
So the mother gets her son to install voicemail for her. The next time her daughter calls she hears this message:
“If you’re a salesperson, press one. If you’re a friend, press two. If you’re my daughter who never calls, press 911 because the shock will probably give me a heart attack.”
IN VINO VERITAS
This may be the wine talking but I really, really, really, really, really love wine.
I HEAR YOU
One Sunday morning the pastor invites members of his congregation who need a special prayer to come forward. One unpleasant-looking character approaches the pastor. “What’s wrong, my son?” the pastor asks. “I need you to pray for my hearing,” the guy says.
So the pastor puts his hands on his ears and prays. When he’s done he asks, “So how’s your hearing now?”
“I don’t know,” the guys says, “it isn’t until next Tuesday.”
LIKE A HOLE IN THE HEAD
My neighbour holds a world record – he’s suffered 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.
ZEN THOUGHTS FOR THE INTERNET AGE
If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating? What is the sound of no hands texting? If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?
To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.
STICKY QUESTION
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
ON THE PLUS SIDE
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
ADDS UP
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
It’s two gross.
IT’S IN THE SCRIPT
Why do people tell actors to “break a leg” before they go on stage?
Because every play has a cast.
THEY SAID IT . . .
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is, “Good for you!” – Eliza Bayne
One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends. – Michelle Wolf
I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!” – Bonnie McFarlane
My friends tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking. – Maria Bamford
I’d rather spend 10 minutes rearranging the dishwasher to accommodate something than spend 30 seconds washing it by hand. – Goldengateblond
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not like it’s the end of the world. – Stewart Francis
Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy. – Groucho Marx
THE DRUNKARD’S LAW
Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance. SOURCES: RS, LIFEBUZZ.COM, @STEFANILEGS, ROBIN McCAULEY, KENNETH ROBERTS, STEWART FRANCIS, BRANDON SPECKTOR, JOSH HARA, RD.COM