Stepmom: the honest truth about family battles
In this brutally honest account a reader explains why she wouldn’t have married her husband if she’d known how her stepdaughters would treat her
THERE but for the grace of God go I. These are the words that went through a YOU reader’s mind after she read our article on Marietjie Vosloo’s ongoing ordeal in a jail in Mauritius. Marietjie is awaiting trial there after allegedly causing the death of her teenage stepdaughter, Mundolene, while on a family holiday in 2016. According to reports, Marietjie and Mundolene had argued regularly. On the day of Mundolene’s death, the two had argued again and Marietjie allegedly struck the teen, who collapsed and died. Marietjie’s brother, Jan Jacobs, opened up recently about her prison experience (YOU, 18 January).
Like Marietjie, this reader is also a stepmom and in an open letter to YOU she tells of the hardships, anger and frustration she experienced after her stepdaughters entered her life. In fact, she says, she would have reconsidered marrying her husband if she knew what lay ahead.
NO RULE books exist when it comes to raising a stepchild. While I have no doubt that it can be rewarding for all parties, it can also be a thankless task – one where no matter how much effort you make, the child will reject you if you don’t adhere to their terms.
In my case, I went into a marriage absolutely blind about what was to come. My husband lost his wife when his two daughters were 11 and seven and I was only too happy to help raise the girls with him.
The girls were 15 and 10 when I moved in along with my son, who was 11 at the time. I remember taking much trouble at our first Christmas to buy special gifts for everyone and to make a happy home for all of us.
But it wasn’t long before trouble started. The older daughter seemed intent on dropping out of school and was smoking and forever sneaking into clubs.
Okay, I thought, we could work through that – but the problem was how to give healthy guidance without putting rules in place that would cause too much conflict.
Unfortunately she knew how to play
this game only too well. You push and push for what you want until you get it – and you push way beyond the boundaries of the stepparent.
The younger daughter was like one of those “mean girls” in Hollywood movies. She was attractive and the hormones kicked in at 11. She was boy-crazy from that point on.
In the three years since their mother’s death the girls had generally been getting away with behaviour few moms would condone.
I have what would be considered high standards and realised I couldn’t always apply them to girls who had been doing pretty much what they wanted since their mother had died.
Adding to the difficulty was an army of wives of my husband’s friends who felt they should treat the girls as “special” because there was a need to fill in for the loss of their mother.
How wrong they were to tell me, “Just be a sister to them.”
My husband also felt the need to “make up for” the loss of their mother. This all meant they’d learnt they should have special treats in the form of entertainment and luxuries and lots and lots of attention.
As a result their expectations had been raised to unrealistic levels. So if they didn’t get what they expected, you were automatically considered a “bad person”.
THE upshot of the merging of this family was that my husband could happily delegate any “policing” duties of his girls to me and he could be the good cop. In my experience, the average man is slow to pick up on subtle comments and behaviour that send a woman’s alarm bells ringing. So more often than not, he was quite immune to small conflicts and tensions.
My husband would regularly respond with, “I don’t see any problem.” So the message goes to the girls that Daddy says it’s okay and we don’t have to respect our stepmom.
The real danger here is that small issues don’t get resolved and tension builds. In my case, my husband gave licence to his girls getting away with something with which the stepmom didn’t agree.
He was basically telling the girls that he didn’t trust my decisions. I had a busy life and tried not to let it get to me but I was becoming angry. There was constant pressure and more anger.
Teenage girls are notorious for becoming rebellious and bucking the system. In many cases, they really don’t care who gets caught in the crossfire.
Making things worse was that these girls had had a good measure of control over their dad before our marriage. They then had to share their father with me once we were married – a fact not appreciated by his daughters.
Dad now had a life so couldn’t be relied on to drop what he was doing on demand. He’d been lonely and they’d been his substitute for their mother. Certainly the older daughter would have happily eliminated me from the picture if she could.
To be brutally truthful, I wouldn’t have married my husband if I’d known what these girls would put me through.
‘Teenage girls are notorious for becoming rebellious and bucking the system. In many cases, they really don’t care who gets caught in the crossfire’
WHEN I read the story of Marietjie Vosloo, I immediately felt sympathy for her. I remembered the continual disagreements with my stepdaughters and how my anger had built.
When my younger stepdaughter
(Turn over)
was 16 she accused me of trying to break up her relationship with her boyfriend because I wouldn’t allow him to sleep over.
She started swearing at me and I slapped her. Hard. So hard her teeth rattled. I’m not proud of losing my cool – it was the only time I took a hand to either of them – but a lot of built-up anger went into that slap.
This is why Marietjie’s story resonated with me. I understand why she lost control.
If there had been previous incidents, these should have been resolved with her husband before the real damage was done.
I’m a graduate and hold a respected and responsible position where I work. I don’t agree with assault and I don’t have a volatile temper. I stress I always had the girls’ best interests at heart.
The girls are 32 and 28 now and we all get on okay but there are scars. Yet I firmly believe the actions I took prepared my stepdaughters for the adult world and I don’t doubt for a moment that I had a good influence on them.
My son, on the other hand, always got on well with my husband and they have a great relationship today.
Looking back, I shouldn’t have tolerated what I considered bad or unhealthy behaviour but a lot of the time I didn’t want to rock the boat or my marriage.
But I should have. Each and every instance of behaviour that caused distress to me, as their father’s wife, should have been dealt with immediately. Children need to respect their parents. Both parents. Even if one is a stepparent.