LAUGH A LITTLE
UP FOR ANYTHING
A beefy young first-year student is trying out for the university’s rugby team. “Can you tackle?” the coach asks him. “Watch this,” the youngster says and proceeds to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
“Wow,” the coach says, “I’m impressed. But can you run?”
“Of course I can run,” the freshman says and dashes off, running 100m in just more than 10 seconds.
“Great!” the coach says, “but can you pass a ball?” The youngsters thinks for a few seconds. “Well, sir,” he says, “if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”
LITTLE JOHNNY . . .
S An elderly teacher asks her class, “If I say, ‘I’m beautiful’, which tense is that?” Little Johnny puts up his hand. “Yes, Johnny?” the teacher says. “It’s obviously past.”
S Little Johnny arrives home early from school one day.
“Johnny, why are you home so early?” his mom wants to know.
“Because I was the only one who could answer a question in class,” he replies.
“Wow, my son’s a genius!” she says. “What was the question?”
“The question was, ‘Who emptied a trash can in the principal’s office?’ ”
S A teacher asks her class, “If your father earns R20 000 a month and gives half to your mother, what will he have?”
Little Johnny pipes up: “A heart attack!” S Teacher: “Why are you so late?” Little Johnny: “Someone told me to go to hell.” “How did that make you late for school?” “Well, I couldn’t find it at first. But now, here I am.”
S Teacher: “Johnny, I asked you to draw a picture of cow standing in a field of grass, but all I see in your picture is a cow. Where’s the grass?”
Little Johnny: “The cow ate it, sir.”
TASTY TREAT
Why did the kids eat their homework? Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.
ON THE NUMBERS
How do you count cows? With a cowculator.
ENTER THE PIG
What do you call it when a pig delivers a karate blow? A pork chop.
DON’T TELL THE CAT
What’s the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? A cat has claws at the end of its paws, while a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
HOPPING MAD
A 92-year-old man is walking in a park when he hears a voice: “If you kiss me I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a week.”
The old man looks down and spots a frog looking at him expectantly. He picks it up and puts it in his pocket.
“Hey, listen!” the frog shouts from inside his pocket, “if you kiss me I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a month!”
The old man takes the frog out of his pocket and looks it in the eye.
“At my age,” he says, “I’d rather have a talking frog.”
BAD BABY!
A three-year-old boy out shopping with his mom spots a pregnant woman. He walks up to her and says, “Why’s your stomach so fat?” “I have a baby inside me,” the woman replies. “Is it a good baby?” “Yes, it’s a very good baby.” “Then why did you eat it?”
ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP
A father is explaining to his son how big business works.
“Say I tell you that I want you to marry a girl of my choice.” “I’d say no,” his son says. “And if I said she’s Bill Gates’ daughter?” “I’d say, okay then!” “Good. Then I’d go to Bill Gates and tell him I want his daughter to marry my son.” “Bill Gates would say no.” “Then I’d tell him my son is the CEO of the world’s largest bank. “Then Bill Gates would agree!” “Yes. And then I’d go to the owner of the world’s largest bank and tell him to make my son the CEO.” “He’d say no.” “But then I’d tell him that my son’s about to marry Bill Gates’ daughter and he’d say yes. That’s how big business works.”
SLOWING IT DOWN
Why do the French eat snails? They don’t like fast food.
CAN’T ARGUE WITH THAT!
Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
THE FUN’S OVER
On the first day of a new term Harry’s mother goes into his bedroom and says, “Come on Harry, get up now! You have to go to school.”
“But I don’t want to go to school, Harry says. “I want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go?”
“Because you’re a teacher!”
LAUGH A MINUTE
On the first day of school a teacher asks a new learner, “What are your parents’ names?”
“My father’s name is Laughing and my mother’s name is Smiling,” he says. “Are you kidding?” the teacher says. “No,” the kid says, “Kidding’s my brother. I’m Joking.”
TOAD-ALLY AWESOME!
What has more lives than a cat? A frog – it croaks every night. S SOURCE: LAUGHFACTORY.COM