TIPS FOR GOOD-ENOUGH PARENTING

“Being an effective parent is one of the most rewarding tasks in life, but it’s also one of the most challenging,” says Johannesburg-based clinical psychologist Charity Mkone. “Society demands special training for those who deal with children, such as teachers, social workers, counsellors, child psychiatrists and psychologists, so it’s ironic that the people who are most important in children’s lives – the parents – take on the task of child-rearing usually without any form of special training.” Here she highlights five guiding principles for parents.

1Be the responsible parent, not the “good” one. “Good” parents are so involved with their kids they do everything for them, effectively becoming their servants. “It might be well intentioned but ultimately robs children of self-confidence and independence,” Mkone says.

Responsible parents are firm without being domineering and teach mutual respect.

For example, children often lose their toys so, instead of finding things for them, allow them to decide whether to put the toys in a proper place or to experience the inconvenience of not having those toys.

2Encourage rather than praise. Praise is an attempt to motivate children with rewards based on competition, winning and being the best.

“Encouragement is given for effort or improvement, however slight, and focuses on the child’s assets and strengths, enabling them to accept themselves and develop the courage to face difficult tasks,” Mkone explains.

“You got an A for maths – that’s great!” is praise that might make them feel they’re worthwhile only when they get an A. “You seem very proud you got an A for maths!” is an encouragement that focuses on how children feel about getting an A.

3Talk less, act more. A child easily becomes “parent deaf”, so keep talking to a minimum, especially when enforcing discipline. “Action is more effective,” Mkone says.

For example, your child has to complete his chores before going out but he’s begging to go anyway.

Rather than arguing or negotiating, it’s best to explain logically the consequences of their behaviour then stop the conversation. This helps kids learn to take more responsibility and make better decisions in future.

4Set realistic goals – for you and your kids. “Have the courage to be imperfect and allow them to be imperfect too,” Mkone says. “Don’t expect the beds to be made perfectly, the dishes to be spotless or things to run smoothly all the time.”

It’s better to underpromise and deliver something rather than overcommit and disappoint.

For example, don’t promise to spend a whole day doing things with them if you know you can’t afford that time. Rather promise to do something together for two hours and do it willingly.

5Be kind to yourself. When something goes wrong in your child’s life you might feel guilty. “This won’t help, as such beliefs are associated with discouragement, depression, anxiety and the desire to control others,” Mkone says. Of course no one likes it when things don’t go their way but it’s not the end of the world. S