LAUGH A LITTLE
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ART OF CONVERSATION
A guy boards a plane and is seated next to a little old lady.
“Hi!” she says. “My name is Mathilda. It’s so nice to meet you! I’m off to visit my daughter for my grandson’s third birthday.
“I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen!
“Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse. Yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable? Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day.
“Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone! He says to me in the cutest voice, ‘Hi Grandma!’ It just gets me all teary eyed.
“But enough about me! Here I am just talking and talking away without letting you get in a word edgewise.
“So, tell me about yourself. What do you think of my grandson?”
LABOUR PAINS
Brian’s stress is at unsurpassed levels. His pregnant wife, Maggie, is beginning to go into labour and Brian isn’t sure when to take her to hospital.
He calls their doctor. “My wife, she’s ready, should we come?” he says, breathing heavily.
The doctor tries to calm the poor fellow down. “Just try to relax, Brian,” he says. “Now tell me, how far apart are her contractions?”
“Maggie!” Brian shouts, “How much time between the contractions?” “Ten minutes!” Maggie shouts back. “Ten minutes, doctor!” Brian shouts into the phone.
“I see,” the doctor says calmly. “And is this her first child?”
“No you stupid nitwit,” Brian shouts. “This is her husband!”
NOT A WIDE CHOICE
A guy is feeling poorly and goes to see his doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination.
“I hate to have to inform you of this but unfortunately you have a highly contagious disease,” he tells the guy afterwards. “You’ll have to be quarantined and put on a special diet of wraps and sliced cheese.”
“That’s terrible!” the guy says, distraught. “And what’s with the wraps and sliced cheese diet?”
“It’s the only food we’ll be able to slide under the door.”
THE WORST OF IT
A fouryearold girl has a high fever and is full of aches and pains, so her mother takes her to the doctor. The doctor takes her temperature and checks her throat and ears.
“Hmm,” he says. “What would you say is bothering you the most?”
Without skipping a beat the little girl replies, “My brother Billy! He always breaks my toys!”
FOR THE RECORD
A guy moves to a new town and, being very organised, takes copies of all his medical records with him for his first checkup with his new doctor. After browsing through the extensive documentation the doctor looks at the guy for a few moments.
“Well,” he says, “there’s one thing I can say for certain. You sure look better in person than you do on paper.”
HANGING IN THERE
A mother with a sick child calls her doctor.
“Doctor, doctor,” she says, “it’s an emergency! I’ve been taking my child’s temperature and it says 45!”
“That doesn’t seem right,” the doctor says. “Tell me, how are you taking it?”
“Oh,” the mom says, “I’m holding up okay.”