Ask Dr Louise

At university I fell in love with a very special man. We were soulmates and thought we’d get married.

Then his father died and he had to take over the family farming business and look after his family. The result was that our relationship couldn’t be sustained.

Both he and I got married and had children and over the years we lost contact. My husband died four years ago and a year ago I started a relationship with a who’s asked me to marry him.

Recently my first love contacted me and we met up. He got divorced six years ago and it’s clear the old magic is still there. He wants to resume our relationship but I’m stuck because I said yes to my boyfriend’s proposal. What now? Antoinette, email This is a bit of a dilemma as many years have passed since you and your first boyfriend were together and you’ve no doubt both changed with time – changes that may or may not be good for your relationship. You’ve had the opportunity to get to know your new boyfriend and felt so sure about him that you agreed to marry him.

So now you have two birds in the hand but no way to tell if your first love is still the person you knew years ago. The best solution would be to be honest with your present boyfriend and tell him that your first love has re-entered your life and that you need time to sort out your feelings.

You’ll need to be prepared for him not accepting this however, but that’s a risk you need to be willing to take. You’ll be able to tell if things could work out with your first love only by spending time with him.

Keep in mind that a relationship when you are more mature is often based on different criteria to when you’re in the flush of youth. Apply your more mature criteria and decide which of the two relationships meets your needs now.