LAUGH A LITTLE
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PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE
A young graduate wakes up on the morning of his first job interview and realises he’s late.
He quickly puts on a suit but then remembers that when he lived at home his father used to tie his tie and that he has no idea how to do it himself.
So he grabs the tie, runs out the door and stops the first guy he sees on the street.
“Excuse me, sir,” he says. “I have a job interview this morning but I don’t know how to tie my tie. “Could you please help me?” “Sure” the guy says and motions to a bench at a nearby bus stop. “Just lie down there and I’ll tie it for you.”
“Thanks, I really appreciate it,” the graduate says and lies down on the bench.
“But tell me, why do I have to lie down for you to tie my tie?”
“Well,” the guy replies, “in my previous job I learnt how to tie ties on other people when they were lying down.”
“And what was your previous job?” the graduate asks, incredulously.
“I worked at an undertakers. I prepared gentlemen’s bodies for their funerals.”
LION THROUGH THEIR TEETH
Little Johnny is constantly late for school. What’s worse, he always has a long, elaborate and far-fetched story to explain why.
One day his teacher has had enough and goes to tell the principal she’s fed up with Johnny’s exaggerations.
The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late, and that he’ll tell the boy a lie so big he’ll never tell another one, ever.
The next day Johnny is two hours late. As usual, he has a long story.
“I was actually two hours early today,” he begins, “so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 20kg trout and had to take it home, because if I didn’t clean and freeze it my mom would’ve been angry. That’s why I’m so late.”
Right there and then the teacher drags Johnny off to the principal’s office and explains what’s happened.
“Johnny,” the principal says, “sit down and I’ll tell you about my own trip to school this morning.
“I was walking along the trail through the park when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a huge male lion behind me. He stood 3m tall and had fangs half a metre long! He was going to eat me, Johnny!
“Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the lion. That little pooch killed the lion then ate the whole cat right there in front of me. What do you think about that, Johnny?”
“Oh yeah,” little Johnny replies, “that’s my dog, Sparky. That’s his third lion this week.”
EAR TO THE GROUND
In the Wild West two cowboys come upon an Apache lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, “You see that Apache?” “Yeah,” the other cowboy replies. “Look, he’s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction.” Just then the Apache looks up. “Covered wagon,” he says, “about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.”
“Incredible!” the first cowboy says to his friend. “This Apache knows how far away they are, how many horses, what colour they are, who’s in the wagon and what’s in the wagon. Amazing!”
The Apache looks up and says, “Yeah, ran over me about half an hour ago.”
SWEET REVENGE
Two statues, one of a man and one of a woman, have stood opposite each other in a city park for many years.
Then one day the city’s parks committee decides that the statues must be removed to make place for development.
On the day before they’re supposed to be taken down an angel appears before the statues.
“Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people for many years, I’m giving you the gift of life,” the angel says.
“You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.”
The statues come to life and smile at each other.
Then they run into the nearby woods and dive behind some bushes.
The angel smiles to himself as he hears the two statues giggling as bushes rustle and twigs snap.
After 15 minutes the two statues emerge from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looks at his watch and says, “You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?”
The male statue looks at the female and asks, “Do you want to do it again?”
Giggling, the female statue replies, “Sure, but this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll poop on its head!” SOURCES: GREATCLEANJOKES.COM, UNIJOKES.COM