Ask Dr Louise

Q Last year in December a close friend and I opened up to each other that we’re bisexual and he wanted us to date. I said I was worried that if things didn’t work out it would ruin our friendship, but we decided to go ahead anyway.

Things were good until last month when we started fighting about small things. Everything I did or said seemed to affect him. I miss how things used to be. I know he loves me but the fighting is killing our relationship.

I have a feeling that we don’t really trust each other. He makes comments about my having lots of friends while I could say the same about him. When we fight it’s never face to face because we always do it over the phone and it’s always about small things.

It makes me feel that he doesn’t love me anymore but when I ask him if we should end our relationship he says he loves me and wants us to be together. Thapelo, email

A It seems you’re both hypersensitive to what the other person does or says. Fighting over the phone is useless as you can’t see each other’s body language, and nonverbal cues are an important part of communication. What’s said over the phone can easily be misconstrued.

Make a rule that you’ll no longer fight over the phone – this means you won’t deal with any conflict, problems or sensitive issues over the phone, no matter how small. Any issues you have with each other must be discussed face to face.

You can’t say how your lover feels – just as he can’t say how you feel. So don’t assume anything and trust that what the other says is the truth. Doubting your partner all the time will have a negative effect on the relationship.

You need to accept that things changed when you started dating. It can’t be as it was in the past as the dynamics of a friendship are different to those of a romantic relationship. You both have to become more mature now and learn to navigate this new way of being together while still allowing each other the space to be individuals.