Bad habits that sap joy

These five bad habits undermine your happiness. Here’s how to recognise them and stop the self-sabotage

WHEN was the last time you patted yourself on the back for something? Need to think really hard? Well, it’s not surprising. Giving themselves a hard time seems to come a lot easier to most people than giving themselves a thumbs-up.

It might seem like a small thing, but critical self-talk is a bad habit – because it’s self-defeating behaviour that robs you of happiness. And as with any habit, the longer you do it the more difficult it is to break. There are other ways in which we’re our own worst enemy too – saying yes when we actually want to say no, and putting things off are also habits that steal your inner joy.

“Often self-defeating behaviours stem from low self-esteem,” says Carla Dukas, a Cape Town-based clinical psychologist. “When we feel unworthy of good things, fair treatment or joy, we behave in ways that result in experiences that sap us of our happiness.”

Many of us do it unconsciously, so the first step is to become aware of these patterns so you can stop them in their tracks. We asked experts to identify common happiness-crushing behaviours and give us tips on how to quit them.

1

CRITICAL SELF-TALK That little voice inside your head is powerful, and if it’s constantly critical it can seriously impede your happiness. “I’ll never get that promotion”, “I’m too overweight to buy sexy clothes”, “I’m not a good enough parent” – that voice makes itself heard in many different ways. Thoughts are powerful – they affect how you feel and how you behave, and that’s why they have the power to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you’re constantly telling yourself you’re bad at something, you’ll behave as if you are – and then you won’t get better at it. How to change it “The first step is to recognise it and figure out

when it’s most active,” Dukas says. “Is it after a bad day at work? When you’re meeting new people? The second step is to stop the critical thought, and the third is to replace it with a positive one.”

See it, stop it, replace it. Just like the critical selftalk became a habit, over time it will become habitual to stop yourself when you’re doing it and eventually change the script that’s running in your head.

A good way to figure out what to say to yourself instead is to think about what you’d say to a friend in the same situation. “Most people find it easier to show kindness to others than to themselves,” says Olga Molebatsi, a counselling psychologist in Pretoria and Rustenberg.

What would you say to a friend who tells you she’s useless because she couldn’t resist the temptation to have a piece of chocolate cake? Would you tell her you’re disgusted with her? No? Then don’t say it to yourself.

“We need to learn to be kind to ourselves,” Molebatsi says.

2

PROCRASTINATION Always putting off things you hate doing? What you’re really putting off is the feeling of satisfaction and happiness you’ll have once it’s done – because until you’ve ticked that item off your to-do list you’ll have that nagging feeling in the back of your mind that makes you feel bad about yourself.

“Successful people do the jobs they don’t like before anything else and are happier as a result. Copy them and your joy will grow,” says Dr John Moore, author of Confusing Love with Obsession. Procrastination can also be finding excuses not to try something new, Dukas says. “We’re creatures of habit and change is often uncomfortable, which is why doing something new is often scary,” she says. How to change it Whether it’s something new or a chore you’ve been putting off, break it down into manageable goals. So, if you’re thinking about taking up running, break it down into achievable segments, Dukas says. “Start by going for a 20minute walk. Allow yourself to feel proud of your accomplishment, and congratulate yourself. Then move on to the next goal.”

3

BEING A PEOPLE-PLEASER If you’re constantly giving people your time and energy and find there’s no enjoyment in it for you, it’s a problem. Doing things for others is a good thing, but only when it brings you pleasure too. If you actually secretly dislike it, you’ll just be building up resentment.

“If you have friends who always expect you to see to their needs irrespective of what you’re doing or how you’re feeling, it will drain you,” Molebatsi says. How to change it Breaking the pattern requires self-examination. “If you don’t like saying ‘no’ to people because it causes you anxiety, you need to look at the reason why. In most cases, it’s a fear of rejection or of disappointing others. Ask yourself why it’s okay for everyone around you to feel happy except you.”

Low self-esteem is often at the root of it, Dukas agrees, adding you might need to seek professional help if you can’t work through it on your own.

4

PLACING TOO MUCH VALUE IN MATERIAL THINGS There’s nothing wrong with material things but when we start to value money, image and stuff over qualities such as kindness and compassion, we become unhappy, says Scott Jeffrey, a US life coach and author of the book Creativity Revealed.

Focusing on spiritual values can go a long way to bringing about inner happiness. But it’s a task made harder by social media, where we’re bombarded by the images of themselves people want to project, and we can easily get sucked into comparing ourselves with them. How to change it When you’re focused on material things, it’s easy to feel you’re lacking – because we tend to focus on what we don’t have rather than what we do. So focus on the things you can be grateful for right now, Molebatsi says.

“Count your blessings and acknowledge and accept where you are in life,” she says. “Spend time investing in yourself. And if taking a break from social media will help, then that’s what you should do.”

Starting a gratitude journal may be useful, Dukas advises. “These have been found to have an immense effect on people’s levels of happiness. Setting aside time every day to consciously think about things you’re grateful for is a powerful way to change your mood.”

Focusing on spiritual values can go a long way to bringing about inner happiness

5

NOT EXPRESSING YOUR NEEDS When you’re feeling unhappy, do you keep quiet or voice your frustration? If you keep quiet, why is that? Do you feel you’re not entitled to be upset? If you’ve made a habit of not prioritising your needs, it can sap your inner joy.

“Expressing negative emotions such as frustration or unhappiness is necessary and you don’t need anyone’s permission to do so,” Molebatsi says. How to change it When you’re unhappy about something, figure out why. Are you holding back from telling your partner you think he’s selfish because you don’t actually believe your needs are valid?

It isn’t easy to make the shift, but it’s necessary as you won’t be able to express what you need to be happy with conviction unless you do.

Also, avoid name-calling and blaming when having these conversations, Molebatsi says, as doing so will just cause the other person to become defensive – and then you won’t be heard. So, instead of saying, ‘You don’t think about me’, rather say, ‘I feel I put your needs ahead of mine and I’m feeling resentful’.”