WATCHING YOUR LOVED ONE FADE

THE letter from Neville Kolbee (YOU Say, 31 May) really struck home. My spouse of 45 years is terminally ill and the oncologist’s prognosis was six to 12 months. We’re now in month 10 – 10 months of agonising, of watching him unable to eat and losing 20kg, of him becoming less able to do anything for himself. Just walking to the kitchen leaves him weakened, in serious pain and gasping for breath.

I’ve been told I’m “so lucky” to know beforehand that he’ll be passing on (sorry, I can’t bring myself to use the d-word) and that we’re fortunate to be able to update our wills and have precious time together, as opposed to him passing unexpectedly and not having time to say a final goodbye. Unless you’re in a similar situation you can’t begin to imagine how difficult it is to put on a brave face and not to think, “Is this our last birthday, anniversary or Christmas together?”

I can’t say it would’ve been “better” to lose him suddenly. It certainly would’ve been a tremendous shock, but living like this, taking one day at a time, takes a dreadful toll. I lie awake at night with my hand gently resting on his shoulder just to see that he’s still breathing. When I’m at work I can’t concentrate as I’m terrified he’ll pass when I’m not with him. I wouldn’t wish this nightmare on my worst enemy. MAKING MEMORIES, EMAIL