LAUGH A LITTLE
Fancy yourself a joker? Email original jokes to chuckles@you.co.za or send them to Chuckles, YOU, PO Box 7167, Roggebaai 8012, and we may publish them on this page.
NO WELL FINE
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” a blonde tells her friend. “There was a note on my windscreen that said, ‘Parking fine.’ ”
GOING DOWN
How do you drown a submarine full of blondes?
Knock on the door.
NO PRESSURE
An elderly man is in hospital awaiting an operation to be performed by his son, a renowned surgeon.
Just before he’s put under, the old-timer asks to speak to his son.
“Don’t be nervous, my boy,” he says. “Just do your best and remember, if it doesn’t go well and something should happen to me . . . your mother would have to come and live with you and your wife.”
GETTING THERE
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
DECKED OUT
A frantic patient bursts into a doctor’s office and shouts, “Doctor, I believe I’m a deck of cards!”
“Go sit in the waiting room, please,” the doctor says. “I’ll deal with you later.”
THIRSTY
An opportunist is the guy who drinks the water while the pessimist, the optimist and the realist argue about how full the glass is.
GOOD ADVICE
Never date cross-eyed people. They might be seeing somebody on the side.
WEEK EXCUSE
Apparently taking a day off isn’t something you should do when you work for a calendar company.
THE IMPORTANT STUFF
A guy goes to see his doctor. “I’ve forgotten so many things lately, doc, and it’s getting worse,” he says. “What can I do?”
“Yes, this is a well-known illness,” the doctor replies. “Unfortunately there’s no cure. While we’re on the subject, I’d like to remind you to pay my bill before you leave.”
IT GETS WORSE
Father: Son, you were adopted. Son: What? I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents! Father: We’re your biological parents. Now pack your stuff, the new ones are picking you up in 20 minutes.
SHORT, ROUND AND SWEET
A man walks into a bakery, points at an item on the shelf and says to the assistant, “I’ll have that thing there, please.” “Cupcake,” the assistant says. “Okay, Cupcake,” the guy says. “I’ll have that thing there, please.”
GOING BATTY
Two lady mice meet and start chatting.
“Look,” one says after a while, “I’ve got a new boyfriend!” She shows the other mouse a picture on her cellphone. “I don’t believe it!” she shouts, “that’s a bat!” “What? The guy told me he was a pilot!”
TALKING THE WALK
Harry: Hey, Sue, what do you say to a nice walk? Sue: Oh, Harry, that would be lovely! Harry: Wonderful. Could you pick up some beer and cigarettes on your way back?
NOT SO SIMPLE
I’ve spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriend’s bra. I give up. I wish I’d never tried it on in the first place.
HERE’S LOOKING AT YOU
I suspect my neighbour might be stalking me. Last night she was googling my name on her computer. I saw it clearly through my binoculars.
WORKS EVERY TIME
“Do you know how to make a dumb person curious?” “No, how?” “I’ll tell you tomorrow.”
AIN’T CHEAP
A dog is sitting in a bar sipping a bourbon when a customer walks up to him.
“It’s not often I see a dog drinking bourbon in here,” he tells the dog.
The dog sniffs. “Yeah, well, with these prices it’s hardly surprising.”
NO TIME TO BE PICKY
“Waiter, could you bring me some toothpicks, please?”
“I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to wait a little bit. They’re all currently in use.”
THE EXTRA ONES
I got a really cute dog and called him Three-miles. It sounds great when I say, “I walk Three-miles twice a day.”
JUST SAYING
If you start to think I talk too much, just tell me. We can talk about it.
ROLLING WITH IT
A guy is moving into a new block of flats and goes to see his upstairs neighbour.
“Hi,” he says. “You live directly above me so you must have the same two-bedroom flat as me. If I may ask, how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?”
“We bought 18 rolls,” the neighbour replies. Two months later the guy meets up with his neighbour again.
“Remember how I asked you how many rolls of wallpaper you bought for your flat,” he says. “And you said 18? Well, I also bought 18 but after I’d put up wallpaper on every wall I still had 10 rolls left over.”
“That’s funny,” the neighbour says. “So did we.”
ON THE NAIL
My teacher asked me to characterise myself in five words.
“Quite lazy,” I told her.
TO DIET FOR
A jar of chocolate nuts has about 9 870 calories. But I don’t care, I never eat the jar anyway.
STILL WISHING
“I wish I could go to the Maldives again.” “Wow, you’ve been to the Maldives?” “No, but I’d wished I could go there before.”
GETTING THERE
I broke my personal record for the 100metre dash. I’m on 64 metres.
IT’S NOTHING, REALLY
I saw a poster today where somebody’s asking, “Have you seen my cat?” So I called the number and said I hadn’t. I like to help where I can.
DON’T MENTION IT
My neighbours are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.
NOT OVERDOING IT
It’s important to take breaks between individual exercises. I personally stick to breaks of three to four years.
SWEET CHOICE
If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of chocolate, which would you prefer – dark, white or milk chocolate?
THE BRIGHT SIDE
The jellyfish has existed as a species for 500 million years, surviving just fine without a brain. That gives hope to quite a few people.
LIKE THAT
My relationship is like an iPad. I don’t have an iPad.