Ask Dr Louise
Q Yesterday I went to lunch with a girlfriend. We’ve been friends for several years and are both attractive women who tend to turn heads when we enter a room. I recently got engaged and met up with her to ask her to be my bridesmaid.
However she declined and I was so shocked I couldn’t just leave it there – I had to know what her reason was for saying no. She told me she was in love with me herself and had always dreamt of us getting together.
I was flabbergasted. I’ve never thought of her in that way, even when we had sleepovers occasionally. I don’t want to lose her as a friend and I really don’t know how to handle the situation now. May, email
A Just try to think of her simply as a human being who fell in love with you. Her sexual preference isn’t that important. What would you have done if a male friend had told you the same thing? You probably would have told him you’re flattered and feel honoured to be the focus of his love but are unable to reciprocate as you simply didn’t feel the same way and are in love with your fiancé. So do the same with her.
Would you break off a friendship with a male friend who says he’s in love with you? If not, don’t do it with her.
Of course the dynamics of the friendship might change. You may no longer want to share anything too intimate with her, such as special moments with your fiancé that might hurt her, or confide in her about disagreements or concerns in your relationship with him, as her view on these might be influenced by her feelings for you.
If you want to remain friends you’ll have to be more cognisant of what you can discuss with her and what you should steer clear of. But try to see her as the same person you enjoyed spending time with. Whether your friendship survives of course also depends on how she handles things between the two of you.