I CAN’T KEEP DOING THE SAME THING

My wife recently divorced me because I was chatting to women on the internet and met up with them for coffee. That’s all it was but obviously my wife believes we were intimate.

I can’t blame her as it wasn’t the first time it had happened and she’d already given me several chances to stop. Each time I promised it would never happen again.

I’ve racked my brain to try to understand why I do it because I love my wife very much and we’re a perfect fit. It feels like a compulsion and although it’s quiet at times it comes back time and time again and I feel helpless to change my behaviour. I’ve lost my soulmate and all for nothing.

I have to do something because if I don’t change, the rest of my life will be the same. If I find love with someone again I feel the same pattern will simply repeat itself.

What should I do? Jannie, email Compulsions are driven by unconscious processes which are often difficult to understand. They’re like ghosts that haunt you, always hovering in the background just waiting to pounce when you least expect it or when you’re stressed or upset.

The root of a compulsion usually lies in the unconscious mind so you can’t necessarily explain it on a conscious level. You’re correct – if you don’t do something about it, this pattern will repeat itself.

You need to seek professional help from a psychologist trained in hypnotherapy so the origin of the compulsion can be discovered and addressed.

The reason behind it may lie in destructive impulses, poor self-esteem, a fear of commitment or a need to be admired by other women.