LAUGH A LITTLE
CHICKEN AT PLAY
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
WINGIN’ IT
Why do birds fly south for the winter? It’s too far to walk.
LA-DE-DA
Why do hummingbirds hum? Because they don’t know the words.
DEFENCELESS
What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?
Time to fix the fence.
CHILL TIME
A guy goes to a pet shop and buys a talking parrot. He takes the parrot home and tries to teach it how to say a few things but the parrot just swears at him, calling him all sorts of terrible things.
After a few hours of trying to teach the bird to say polite things the guy finally says, “If you don’t stop swearing, I’m going to put you in the freezer as punishment.”
But the parrot continues to rant and rave until the guy’s had enough and he puts the bird in the freezer.
About an hour later he hears the parrot’s voice, politely asking him to please open the door.
As the guy takes the shivering bird out of the freezer it says, “I promise never to swear again. But just tell me, what ever did the turkey do?”
TOP OF THE PILE
What’s the difference between cats and dogs?
Dogs think, “Humans are benevolent. They feed me and take care of me, so they must be gods.”
Cats think, “Humans are benevolent. They feed me and take care of me, so I must be a god.”
THE SINGIN’ FROG BLUES
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?”
The barman considers it then agrees. The guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. Then he reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles and proceeds to play the blues.
The barman pours the guy a drink on the house and he puts the rat and piano away.
After he’d finished his drink he says to the barman, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?”
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The guy again reaches into his pockets and pulls out the tiny rat and tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
Then the man reaches into a third pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing the blues along with the rat’s piano playing.
As the guy sips his drinks a stranger walks up to him and offers him R100 000 for the bullfrog.
“Sorry,” the guy says, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger increases the offer to R250 000 in cash. “No,” the guy insists, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to R500 000 in cash. The guy finally agrees and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the barman says after the stranger had left. “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let it go for a mere R500 000!”
“Don’t worry about it,” the guy says. “The frog was nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
SCRATCHY
What do you call a man who’s been attacked by a cat?
Claude.
WAIT A MINUTE
A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a gin . . .” There’s a long pause. “. . . and tonic, please.”
“Sure,” the barman says, “but why the big pause?”
“I was born with them,” the bear says.
TINY PROBLEM
A pony goes to the vet and complains that he has a sore throat.
After examining him the vet tells the pony, “It’s nothing serious. You’re just a little hoarse.”
NO GOOD
Why did the unwashed chicken cross the road twice?
Because it was a dirty double-crosser.
SO THAT’S WHY
Why did the piece of chewing gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
CAN’T DO IT ALL
To err is human. To forgive is also human. Actually, everything you do is human. Except for laying eggs. That’s more of a bird thing. (Turn over)
DUCK FOR THIS ONE
A deer, a skunk and a duck go out for dinner at a restaurant.
When it comes time to pay the skunk says he doesn’t have a scent and the deer says he doesn’t have a buck.
So they put it on the duck’s bill.
GETTING DISSED
I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary.
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.
THE ANXIOUS POODLE
Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd and I’m nervous as a cat.” Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”
LAST RESORT
Forgive your enemies. That’s if you can’t get back at them in any other way.
IN SPADES
The shovel is an amazing thing. You could say it was a groundbreaking invention.
JUST DIDN’T SEE IT
I’ve just been diagnosed as colour-blind. I had no idea, it really came out of the purple.
NOT CHEAP
If love is grand, what’s a divorce? A hundred grand easily, or more.
YOU SEE
What’s the difference between love and marriage?
Love is blind. Marriage is an eye-opener.
LESSON ONE
My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and go away. He walked off, so I shouted at him that he was ignoring me.
SILENT PARTNER
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.” “Why not?” “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
AS IT COMES
Wife: Do you want dinner? Husband: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and no.
NO LUCK
Written inside a birthday card: “Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. And forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.”
AN OLD JOKE
Age is a relative thing. All my relatives keep reminding me how old I am.
IT’S IN THE NUMBERS
Statistics show that people with the most birthdays also live the longest.
BALD TRUTH
What did the bald guy say when he was given a comb for his birthday?
“Thanks, I’ll never part with it.”
NOT THE BRIGHT SIDE
I was born to be a pessimist. Then again, my blood type is B-negative.
SIP ON THAT
There’s a new word: Procaffeinating (n) – the tendency not to start anything until you’ve had your coffee.
A FITTING RETURN
A woman finds her new jeans are too tight so she goes back to the shop where she bought them.
“I’d like to return these jeans,” she tells the assistant. “Is anything wrong with them?” he asks. “Yes,” she says. “They hurt my feelings.”
CUTTING COSTS, AND HAIR
Customer: “How much for a haircut?” Barber: “It’s R150.” Customer: “And for a shave?” Barber: “That’s R100.” Customer: “All right, shave my head.” S