Ditch your phone & start chatting!

It’s ironic that the smartphone, a tool of communication, is resulting in us talking less and less to one another in person. Here’s what you can do about it

YOU’RE talking to a friend or colleague when you hear that tell-tale beep or vibration. Their eyes flick away, their hand reaches for their phone, and soon they’re swiping or tapping away, insisting that you carry on and that they’re listening to what you’re saying. You might even do it too. And you see it around you all the time – families in restaurants not talking to one another because they’re looking at the screens in their hands; a group of teens hanging out somewhere, silent, typing; parents at the park with their kids, only occasionally glancing up from their phones.

There’s no doubt about it – smartphones are a conversation killer. And there’s scientific evidence to prove it.

One study done in 2014 found just the sight of a cellphone can ruin a conversation. Researchers put 100 participants in groups to discuss either a casual or meaningful topic for 10 minutes, and studied the relationship between the presence of cellphones and interpersonal interactions.

They found that in the absence of phones, conversations were rated as significantly superior in comparison to those where a mobile device was either on the table or held in the individual’s hand. In fact, the effect of a phone on the quality of conversation was greater than factors such as age, gender, ethnicity or even mood.

There might be more communication going on in the world than ever before thanks to the internet, smartphones and social media, but it’s happening at the expense of conversation, says Sherry Turkle, a psychologist and social studies professor at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) who’s been examining the relationship between humans and technology for more than three decades. In her book Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other, she says people have started to find simulations of life more appealing than life itself and faceto-face interaction with people tedious and time-consuming.

Conversations are messy, full of pauses, interruptions and potential awkwardness. They’re a source of stress, and technology has made it possible for us to filter and organise our interaction with others.

It also gives us an always-on-hand, easy way to opt out of conversation. Who hasn’t pulled out their phone when feeling a little awkward or anxious at a social gathering? Our phones allow us to shut

others out and hide in plain sight.

But we’re paying a price for this, Turkle believes – by talking at one another rather than to one another. We’re losing the art of conversation.

SO WHAT can we do about it? How do we stop allowing our phones to make us unsociable? The simple answer is just to put down your phone. But of course we know it’s not that easy.

Our phones have become so much a part of us that how we behave with them is a habit that needs to be broken. In order to break this habit we need to acknowledge the anxiety it might induce not to use our phones as a safety net.

Our phones have become a little bubble we can retreat into, a place where we have sole control over what gets our attention. But this has affected our ability to feel comfortable or even thrive in unfamiliar social settings.

“The only way to improve social anxiety or awkwardness is to improve your social ‘fitness’,” says Courtenay Kleu, CEO and co-founder of The School of Etiquette in Johannesburg.

Social fitness is just like physical fitness – you have to practise to get better at it. So make sure your phone isn’t in your hand.

Phones shouldn’t “be on show at any social event,” Kleu says. This will help you avoid taking calls, responding to messages, checking social media or even checking the time on your phone.”

The same principle should be applied at work, she adds. “Your phone shouldn’t be on the table or on show during a meeting.”

Responding to messages on your phone in the middle of a meeting tells everyone there that you don’t take the meeting or their time seriously. Of course it’s not cut and dried – there are exceptions to the rule.

“If you have children and need to be contactable in case of emergency, it’s acceptable to have your phone on your lap or close by so you can feel it vibrate,” Kleu says. The correct way to handle it would be to apologise for having your phone out and explain why you need to keep it close at hand, she adds.

OPENING ourselves up to the uncertainty of conversation is vital if we want to change things, Turkle says.

The messiness of it is what allows for true exchange, she believes. “You can’t always tell, in a conversation, when the interesting bit is going to come. It’s like dancing: slow, slow, quick-quick, slow. It seems boring but all of a sudden there’s something – and ‘whoa’.”

We need to make room for conversation by taking deliberate steps, Turkle says. “At home we can create sacred spaces – the kitchen, the dining room. We can make our cars device-free zones. We can demonstrate the value of conversation to our children.

“Most of all we need to remember to listen to one another, even to the boring bits, because it’s often in unedited moments, moments in which we hesitate and stutter and go silent, that we reveal ourselves to one another.”