LAUGH A LITTLE
Fancy yourself a joker? Email original jokes to chuckles@you.co.za or send them to Chuckles, YOU, PO Box 7167, Roggebaai 8012, and we may publish them on this page.
COUNTERMEASURE
During break time a teacher spots little Johnny running down the corridor and stops him. “Why are you running, Johnny?” he asks. “I’m keeping two kids from fighting, sir,” little Johnny replies. “Who?” “Me and the kid chasing me.”
ALL DONE
People say there’s no difference in meaning between the words “complete” and “finished”.
I say there is. Marry the right person and you’re complete. Marry the wrong person and you’re finished.
BIG CAT CATASTROPHE
A guy from a small village is visiting the big city for the first time when his cousin takes him to see a Tarzan movie at a cinema. The guy is still marvelling at the size of the screen when a tiger appears on it, advancing menacingly towards the audience.
The guy jumps to his feet and hotfoots it out of the cinema.
His cousin runs after him and explains it’s just a movie.
“I know it’s a movie,” the guy says, “and you know it’s a movie, but does the tiger know?”
MAKING SURE
After a miserable old man who’d been mean to his family for decades finally dies, the undertaker calls the next of kin to confirm the funeral arrangements.
As luck would have it the old-timer’s son-inlaw, who’s delighted to be rid of him, answers the phone.
“We’re sorry to disturb you in this time of personal grief,” the undertaker says solemnly, “but there appears to be some confusion as to whether the body of the loved one is to be buried or cremated.”
“Let’s not take any chances,” the son-in-law says. “Do both.”
THE CURE
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills. Wife: When must I give them to him? Doctor: They’re not for him, they’re for you.
OFF WITH THE GLOVES
Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are. Husband: You should’ve known the minute I asked you to marry me.
JUST THE TICKETS
Husband: It’s Saturday and I want to enjoy myself. So I bought three movie tickets. Wife: Why three? Husband: One for you and two for your parents.
JUST A THOUGHT
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
THE LAST WORD
A sales rep, an admin assistant and their manager are walking to lunch when they come across an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out.
“I’ll give each of you one wish,” the genie says.
“Me first! Me first!” the admin clerk says. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat without a care in the world!” Puff! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” the sales rep says. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse and an endless supply of cocktails!” Puff! He’s gone. “Okay, you’re up,” the genie says to the manager.
“Right,” the manager says. “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
TAKING INSTRUCTION
A man is doing his driving test. He handles most of the moves well but has trouble with parallel parking and ends up about a metre from the pavement.
“Could you get a little closer?” the examiner prompts.
So he unbuckles his seat belt, slides across the seat, cuddles up to him and says, “Okay, now what?”
THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A SPEED COP S
Hey, you must’ve been doing 200km/h to keep up with me! Good job!
Hi, officer. Do you mind holding my beer while I look for my driver’s licence? You’re not going to check the boot, are you? I bet I could grab that gun out of your holster before you can finish writing my fine.
Wow, officer! That’s fantastic, thank you! The cop who pulled me over yesterday also just gave me a warning!
GOOD EXCUSE
A man arrives home after a night out drinking with his mates.
As he stumbles into his house his irate wife is waiting for him.
“What’s the big idea, coming home halfdrunk?” she demands.
“Sorry, honey,” the guy says. “I ran out of money.”