Ask Dr Louise

‘Education is the most powerful weapon that you can use to change the world’ – NELSON MANDELA

Last night my husband of 10 years told me he’s been having an affair with someone for five years. He said he loves her and can no longer live without her. He wants a divorce so he can marry her. She’s given him an ultimatum – if he doesn’t get divorced she’ll leave him.

I was shocked as I’d thought we were happy and our sex-life was great. How can he have pretended all these years and even considered having children with me the past two years if he felt like this? Luckily we haven’t had kids yet.

What can I do to stop him divorcing me? He’s more than generous about what he’s offering me financially so I can’t really make an issue of that. I love my husband to bits and can’t imagine my life without him. I’m desperate – please help. Dorothy, email Your husband seems to have made up his mind and has chosen his mistress. Whether he’ll be happy with his choice in the years to come is another question entirely, as there’s a big different between having an affair with someone and having a relationship.

Affairs are about romance and clandestine meetings in which both parties look their best and are on their best behaviour. When you’re in a relationship with someone you experience the ups and downs of life together.

You can’t stop him from divorcing you as he could simply sue you for divorce. Besides, it would be like living in purgatory, staying with someone you know wants to be with someone else.

I suggest you consult with a psychologist so you can be helped to face this trauma and work through it. Sometimes family and friends don’t give the best advice, even if they mean well. A psychologist can also keep an eye on your mood – divorce often leads to depression, especially if it wasn’t your idea. You may feel at the moment as if there can be no life after divorce but many people find great happiness again with time.

I’M DYING OF BOREDOM

I find life incredibly boring. I thought when I got married, life would be fun and we’d have a ball. My wife was very adventurous before we married and enjoyed many adventurous activities. But now that we’re married she just wants to stay at home and has been nagging me about having a baby even though I don’t think we’re ready for it – emotionally or financially.

We’ve been married for only two years and I’m seeing a side of her I don’t like at all. If things continues like this I’ll die of boredom or have an affair just to bring some adventure back into my life.

What can I do? Stephen, email It’s important that you have a serious talk with your wife. It’s possible she may have pretended to enjoy adventurous outings when you were dating – possibly even to impress you – but is in essence someone who simply enjoys staying at home. If this is the case, the two of you have a serious problem.

Lifestyle management is one of the most important things an adult needs to do. You can’t simply expect your life to be interesting – you need to take the responsibility to make it interesting. This entails identifying activities you and your wife find exciting and planning to do these often. It could be long-term, such as planning for an overseas trip, or short-term such as taking part in weekly sport events or hobbies.

Some activities can be done together and some individually.

Having an affair isn’t something to contemplate because you’re bored. The ramifications can be life-shattering and have far-reaching consequences.

Your wife has settled into marriage and seems to have forgotten that a relationship needs work to keep it exciting and stimulating. Remind her of this.

I’M SO TIRED OF STUDYING

I’m a fourth-year medical student and for the past four years my life has revolved around studying. My friends who are working at the moment have the whole weekend to relax and do fun things. It feels as if I don’t even get a chance to meet girls, except those who are studying with me.

On weekends I have to study most of the time as we have tests every week. I feel like cancelling my studies and rather enjoying life while I’m young. Patrick, email If you don’t finish your studies you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. I’m sure you haven’t chosen this career on a whim. You’ve probably studied hard at school to get your grades up and sacrificed a lot to get where you are today.

You’re already more than half-way through your studies and as you get to the senior years the work will become even more interesting. You might even find that once you complete your medical studies you want to specialise.

Job satisfaction is one of the most important aspects of an adult’s working experience. If you have job satisfaction you can go to work with a song in your heart and enjoy the many hours you have to spend there.

There will be many opportunities to meet new people and to enjoy yourself once your studies have been completed. Balance is important, however – while you’re studying allow yourself at least one night off on the weekend to go out with friends and socialise. It will give your brain a chance to rest and your heart to have interesting experiences.