Top tips for blended families
If you’ve remarried after a divorce it can be tricky bringing two families under one roof harmoniously. Here’s advice . . .
SHELLY and Mark* are both in their forties and on their second marriage. They’ve been together for five years and married for one and live in a Cape Town suburb with their five children – three from his previous marriage, two from hers.
With the kids ranging in age from nine to 21 it’s a busy household. “It’s incredibly demanding, as you can imagine – juggling school life, extracurricular activities and family time,” Shelly says. “But we manage the best we can.
“There have been a lot of big changes for everyone – from me and Mark getting married and moving into a new house, to the kids getting used to having new siblings – but we’ve found with enough love and communication most problems can be overcome.”
The divorce rate is on the rise so blended families that bring children from previous relationships into a new partnership are becoming more and more common, both in South Africa and the rest of the world, says Cape Town-based family therapist Lindie Pankiv Greene.
The term implies smoothness and ease, but blended family life often isn’t easy. “Integrating kids into a new, strong, happy and successful blended family can be a minefield,” says Flicky Gildenhuys, a Cape Town-based therapist and author of Blended Families. “But it can be a thoroughly rewarding voyage of discovery.”
Here are some of the common challenges blended families face – and how to deal with them. FEELING LIKE TWO FAMILIES INSTEAD OF ONE So you’re all living under one roof but finding it hard to shake the sense of being two separate family units. This is normal, Greene says.
Everyone has to get used to new ways of doing things, figure out the dynamics of the new unit and adapt to the new normal. It takes time and patience and it’s important to give children time to grieve the family unit they’ve lost. What to do Start creating new traditions as a family. This can be anything from having a pizza night on Fridays, going for a hike together at weekends or celebrating birthdays in a unique way.
“A new blended family has no shared history, but see this as an opportunity to develop new, unique traditions and memories,” Gildenhuys says. “You and your partner can also discuss which previous family traditions will work for your blended family.”
Making time to get to know one another is crucial. “The new parent needs to show each stepchild that they’re interested in getting to know them. Find out what’s important to them and what their hopes and dreams are,” Greene says. DIFFERENT PARENTING STYLES This will come into sharp focus – and is a huge potential source of conflict – when kids have to be disciplined.
One partner may be more lenient than the other and the non-biological parent
‘The more time a parent invests with each child, the less sibling rivalry there will be’
may be faced with the “You’re not my parent!” dilemma.
“My partner would often let his children get away with things, but when my kids did the same thing he’d shout at them,” says Diane*, a mom with two kids of her own and two stepkids. What to do “It’s essential that parents agree on how to discipline all the kids,” Greene says. “Family meetings where discipline is discussed and rules are agreed on, particularly with teenagers, are a good way to handle it.
“When children understand the point of a rule, and are themselves asked to suggest consequences for breaking the rule, you have buy-in, which makes the whole process easier.
“The golden rule is that parents have to present a united front, because a sad, crying child can easily divide and rule.”
One way to handle the “you’re not my parent” comment is to explain that while you’re not their biological parent you’re “one of the adults in charge” and should be respected.
Consider coming up with a family plan that has a roster of daily chores as well as rules for the household. Suggest that every person in the house contribute one rule.
Work out together what should happen if chores aren’t done or rules aren’t followed. That way it’s clear what the consequences are for everyone.
It’s important to note that without a healthy relationship, discipline between a step parent and stepchild won’t work. There has to be a healthy bond first.
Be open and loving when talking to your partner and your stepchildren about these issues, Greene adds – it’s not just about discipline and punishment but also about creating a new, happy family. KIDS VYING FOR ATTENTION AND SIBLING RIVALRY Competing for a parent’s or step parent’s attention, feeling jealous of their new step-siblings or even actively disliking them are issues you’re likely to have to deal with when kids from separate families have to live together.
“In the beginning it was really tough on the kids having to either share Mom or Dad or a sibling,” Shelly says. “Our eldest two boys didn’t get on well at all. It was made worse when they were put in the same class at school.”
“We didn’t have enough bedrooms and my daughter had to share her bedroom with her new stepsister,” says Maxine*, mom of an eight-year-old daughter and stepdaughter. “There were lots of tears.” What to do Feeling loved and secure will go a long way to reducing sibling rivalry and kids vying for attention. “Ensure your child has regular time alone with you,” Gildenhuys says. Play a board game together once a week or go on an outing once a month. “Your partner should ideally also spend quality time alone with your child doing a fun activity.”
Take turns attending each child’s activities so it doesn’t feel as if one child is being favoured over another.
“The more time a parent invests with each child, the less sibling rivalry there will be,” Greene says. “If a child is acting out, spend time with them and find out why.”
“We make sure we have lots of cuddle time with the kids, where we laugh and joke together, and it’s been amazing to see how they’ve changed over time,” Shelly says. “Now they all see one another as sisters and brothers and not as enemies. They’ll fiercely protect one another and even gang up against Mom and Dad now.” Weekly family meetings where everyone can talk about anything that’s bothering them are also a helpful way to diffuse any tensions. “We’ve found this works very well for us,” Shelly says. “We give the kids the opportunity to say what’s on their minds, everyone gets to have their say and we try to find solutions that work for everyone.” SPOUSAL STRAIN Given all the challenges a blended family can bring, it’s not surprising the relationship between the couple themselves can take strain. “Children can make or break a relationship and parents can find blending a family hard work,” Greene says. “If you’re used to having two kids and suddenly you have four or five, it can be very demanding.” What to do Make sure you have quality time together as a couple. “You need this to allow your relationship to grow,” Greene says. “Also, all parents should aim to have time entirely to themselves. Whether it’s going for a walk on your own, reading or doing yoga, do something that re-energises you.” The great thing about a blended family is that the parents often have time for it when their kids are with their other parent. “We share our kids one week on, one week off with our exes,” Shelly says. “So we have a busy week with the kids followed by quality time with each other. “For us it’s the best of both worlds. “It’s been challenging, and we don’t always get it right, but the past few years have been the best journey of my life,” Shelly says.