Ask Dr Louise

My wife caught me watching pornography and has told her whole family and all her girlfriends that I’m addicted to it. She can’t believe that porn is just a relaxing pastime and doesn’t replace her.

She tells me she knows that when I make love to her I think about all the porn scenes I’ve seen on the internet and that she doesn’t turn me on anymore. This is partly true because she’s gained a lot of weight since we got married 10 years ago and although I like women that carry some weight I don’t find obese women attractive.

I’m not willing to give up the porn because it helps me to relax and I have a stressful job. At the same time, I don’t want to divorce my wife as we have two children. To be honest, I don’t think I love my wife anymore but I want to stay with her for the sake of our kids. Anonymous, email

Pornography isn’t the answer to your troubles. Human beings need emotional connection, warmth, affection and loving touch. The figures in porn aren’t true to life and pornography is somewhat ridiculous when compared with actual human sexuality.

That said, it’s also not wise to stay with your wife simply for the sake of the children. What kind of example would you be setting to your children? You’ll be showing them how to have a marriage of convenience, not a fulfilling one. Children with unhappy parents will tend to be unhappy too.

Also, if you stay with your wife out of a sense of duty she’s being deprived of the opportunity to meet someone who’ll love her for who she is. Her weight problem may be a symptom of the fact she’s unhappy and uses food to comfort herself.

You and your wife should have marriage counselling – that’s if you want to work on the marriage. If not, end the marriage and hopefully you’ll meet someone with whom you can have an active sex-life instead of living in a fantasy land with cold, lifeless images. Real sexual interaction is far more relaxing than watching porn.