LAUGH A LITTLE
Fancy yourself a joker? Email original jokes to chuckles@you.co.za or send them to Chuckles, YOU, PO Box 7167, Roggebaai 8012, and we may publish them on this page.
SUNSHINY DAY
Brian is dating Lorraine Then he meets a woman named Clearly and wants to start dating her, but feels he should be faithful to Lorraine.
One day Lorraine sends Brian a message that it’s over and she no longer wants to see him.
With a smile on his face Brian breaks into song: “I can see Clearly now, Lorraine has gone . . .”
FOREWARNED
On a visit to Joburg, a woman is eager to visit a posh department store a few blocks from her hotel. Her husband hails a taxi to transport them.
“The lady wants to go to Sandton City,” he tells the driver.
The driver looks over his shoulder and asks, “And the gentleman? Does he want to go to the bank?”
DOWNWARD TREND
“I’m a walking economy,” an elderly guy says to his friend. “How’s that?” the friend asks. “Well, my hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation and the combination of these factors has put me in a deep depression.”
GOLDEN OLDIES
Three retired gents are taking a walk in the park. “Windy, isn’t it?” the first one says. “No, it’s Thursday,” the second one says. “So am I,” the third one says. “Let’s go get a beer.”
HEAR, HEAR
An elderly man says to his neighbour, “I’ve just got a new hearing aid. I couldn’t afford the expensive one so I got a cheapie, but it works perfectly.”
“Really?” the neighbour says. “What kind is it?”
“Twelve-thirty.”
HOLD ON TIGHT
Two elderly ladies go for a drive. As they cruise along they come to an intersection. The traffic light is red but they just go through. The woman in the passenger seat thinks to herself, “I must be losing it, but I could’ve sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few minutes they come to another intersection and again the light is red. Again they go right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat is almost sure the light was red but she’s really concerned she’s losing it and decides to pay close attention to the road.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light is definitely red but they drive through it, narrowly avoiding being hit by another car.
She turns to the other woman and says, “Mildred! Do you know we’ve just run through three red lights in a row? You could’ve killed us!” Mildred looks surprised. “Oh,” she says, “am I driving?”
SHARING IS CARING
A young man sees an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a burger joint. He notices they’ve ordered one burger meal and an extra cup.
As he watches, the gentleman carefully divides their burger in half, then counts out the fries – one for him, one for her – until they have equal portions.
Then he pours half the soft drink into the extra cup and sets it in front of his wife. He begins to eat while his wife sits watching with her hands folded in her lap.
Assuming they’re poor pensioners he goes over and offers to buy them another meal so they won’t have to share one.
“Thank you young man, but no,” the old gentleman says. “We’ve been married for 50 years and we’ve always shared everything 50/50.”
“I see,” the young guy says and turns to the lady. “But why aren’t you eating?”
“It’s his turn with the teeth,” she replies.
TIME MANAGEMENT
Three men are arguing about who has the best-made watch. To settle the argument they decide to walk up a hill and throw down their watches to see which one doesn’t break.
The first guy throws his watch down the hill and it shatters. The second man throws his down and it’s also destroyed.
Then the third guy throws his watch down the hill, walks all the way to the bottom and catches it before it can hit the ground.
His friends are puzzled and want to know how he did it.
“Easy,” he says. “My watch is five minutes slow.”
SPACED OUT
Why did Mickey Mouse go to space? To visit Pluto.
ANIMAL ALERT
On your left are three ostriches. On your right are a herd of gazelles being chased by a lion. In front of you are four deer. Behind you are five stampeding horses. What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get off the merry-go-round!