WHY AM I TAKING IT OUT ON HIM?
Eight years ago my husband contracted cancer and developed a tumour on his thigh. It was surgically removed and the oncologist said he was lucky a tumour hadn’t formed in his lungs as that would’ve been fatal. He was in remission for eight years and we never for a moment thought the cancer would return.
Then in March last year, at the age of 65 and just after we retired, I noticed he had no energy and was coughing incessantly. He lost 22kg within a matter of months. An MRI showed a massive tumour in his left lung. He was given six to 12 months to live, and that’s where we are now.
I’m bitter and angry and I’m being totally irrational and taking it out on him. People tell me I’m lucky as I have the opportunity to say goodbye and tell him daily how much I love him. We planned to grow old together and I don’t want to accept what’s happening. Why am I blaming him for getting sick when all I want to do is show him how much he means to me? So angry, email Research on death and dying by Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross found one of the stages people with terminal cancer go through is anger. In my years of practice I’ve noticed that the stages are also applicable to the loved ones of the person who’s terminally ill.
It’s natural for you to be angry – because you can’t do anything about the situation and feel helpless – and it’s the person closest to us that often bears the brunt of whatever we’re feeling. So you’re taking it out on your husband because he’s the person closest to you, physically and emotionally. When it comes to our feelings, logic often doesn’t have much to do with it.
You also seem to be in denial, and both anger and denial can cause serious problems. The anger towards your husband could result in extreme guilt after his death and the denial could cost you dearly if you don’t use the time he has left productively.
What you’re experiencing is intense and you’ll benefit from consulting with a psychologist, who can help you come to terms with your husband’s imminent death and be more realistic about the future. According to Sigmund Freud, there’s a homosexual phase in the sexual development of children and adolescents. This is a normal developmental phase in which teens often experiment sexually with