LAUGH A LITTLE
KIDS’ CORNER
On which side does a chicken have the most feathers? The outside. What’s a flea’s favourite way to travel? Itch-hiking. Why wouldn’t the butterfly go to the dance? It was a moth-ball. What do you call a multi-storey pig pen? A sty scraper. Why are dogs such bad dancers? They have two left feet. Do you know how to catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut.
DITZY DEFINITIONS
Doctor: A person who cures your ills with pills, then kills you with bills. Classic books: Ones that people praise but don’t actually read. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight. Office: A place where you can relax away from your strenuous home life. Yawn: The only time some married men get to open their mouths.
NEEDS WORK
A woman goes to see her bank manager.
“I’m divorcing my husband,” she says, “and I want a loan.”
“I’m sorry, we don’t give loans for divorces,” the manager tells her. “Our loans are for things like buying property, vehicles or businesses, or making home improvements . . .”
“Well, there you go,” the woman interrupts him. “This definitely falls into the home improvement category.”
SIGN OF THE TIMES
A teacher is giving her class of 10-year-olds a natural history lesson.
“Worker ants,” she tells them, “can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?”
“That they don’t have a union?” little Johnny shouts from the back.
IN THE ARMY NOW
“Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news,” a sergeant says to a group of rookies at a training camp.
“The good news is Private Jones will be setting the pace on our morning run.”
The platoon is overjoyed as Private Jones is overweight and terribly slow.
“Now for the bad news,” the sergeant continues. “Private Jones will be driving a truck.”
A tough old sergeant knows just how unpopular he is with his troops. As his retirement approaches he says to one young private, “I suppose after you get discharged from the army you’ll just wait for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave.”
“Not me, Sarge,” the private replies. “Once I get out of the army I’m never going to stand in line again.”
WIN-WIN
A woman has a dinner party and serves raw oysters, curried lamb and steamed mussels. The next day she bumps into her doctor.
“I’m sorry you couldn’t come to my party last night,” she says. “You’re so busy these days and I think it would’ve done you some good to have been there.”
“Oh no, your party has done me good,” he says. “Five of your dinner guests have come to see me today.”
IN SHORT
Two strands of DNA are walking down the street. One says to the other, “Do these genes make me look fat?”
Dad: How were the exam questions? Son: Oh, they were easy. I just had some trouble with the answers.
KIDS’ CORNER
What did the calculator say to the bookkeeper? You can count on me. Where are dogs scared to go? The flea market.
HUNGER GAMES
A guy collapses on the pavement in front of a fried chicken outlet. People crowd around to see what’s wrong with him.
“This guy looks so thin, I think he fainted from hunger,” one bystander says. “Give him an apple,” someone else suggests. The guy opens one eye and says, “Look, if I wanted an apple I would’ve fainted in front of the fruit and veg shop down the road!”
IT’S RELATIVE
Bert meets a doctor at a party. The doctor remarks on his extraordinarily red complexion.
“High blood pressure, doc. It runs in the family,” Bert explains. “Your mother’s side or your father’s?” “Neither. It’s from my wife’s family.” “Oh, come now,” the doctor says. “How could your wife’s family give you high blood pressure?”
Bert sighs. “Wait till you meet them, doc.”
BROAD HINT
At a party a pompous poet corners a hapless young woman and boringly drones on and on about his various sources of inspiration.
“At present,” he says, “I’m collecting some of my better poems to be published posthumously.”
“Lovely,” the woman says. “I’m looking forward to it.”
THE PROPOSAL
An office supervisor decides to have a word with a new employee who consistently arrives late for work. He explains that her tardiness is unacceptable and that other employees have noticed that she’s late every day when she walks in through the front door. The employee agrees it’s a problem. “Is there another entrance I can use?” she says.
Woman: Did you open the door for me because I’m a lady? Man: No, I did it because I’m a gentleman.
What do you call a man who’s just lost his brain? Divorced. How does a man plan for the future? He buys two cases of beer.