LAUGH A LITTLE

Fancy yourself a joker? Email original jokes to chuckles@you.co.za or send them to Chuckles, YOU, PO Box 7167, Roggebaai 8012, and we may publish them on this page.

PICK-UP LINES

Baby, you’re like a student and I’m like a maths book – you solve all my problems!

I may not be a genie but I can make your dreams come true.

Your body is like a Wonderland and I want to be Alice.

Can I take a picture of you so I can show Santa just what I want for Christmas.

Are you an alien? Because you’ve just abducted my heart.

Hey, I just realised this but you look a lot like my next girlfriend.

Are your legs tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.

I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away.

Girl, you better have a licence, because you’re driving me crazy.

AT THE DENTIST

What do you call an old dentist? A bit long in the tooth. What did the tooth say to the departing dentist? Fill me in when you get back. When I talk people listen with their mouth open. Oh, you must be a dentist. What award does the dentist of the year get?

A little plaque.

PETS

A man goes into a pet shop and asks the assistant if they have any dogs going cheap?

“Sorry sir all ours go, ‘woof’,” he replies.

A man at an auction starts bidding for a parrot. The bidding goes higher and higher, but finally the man buys the bird. Then he realises he doesn’t even know if it can talk, so he asks the auctioneer.

“Of course it can talk,” he replies. “Who do you think was bidding against you?”

My uncle says, “I’ve got this elephant who’s so sulky he just sits in a comer and mutters to himself. What shall I call him?”

The vet says, “How about Mumbo Jumbo.”

CLEVER KID

“Mom, can you give me R20?” Little Sipho asks. “Certainly not.” “If you do, I’ll tell you what Dad said to the maid when you were at the hairdresser,” he says.

His mother’s ears prick up and, grabbing her purse, she hands over the money. “Well? What did he say?”

“He said, ‘Hey, Evelyn, please make sure I’ve got clean socks for tomorrow’.”

CREDIT APPLICATIONS

So, you’ve received a credit card application. You know what it says, but do know what it really means? What it says: “You have demonstrated financial responsibility.” What it means: You’re breathing! What it says: “Our membership is difficult to obtain.” What it means: Death row prisoners aren’t eligible . . . in most countries! What it says: “We have shortened the application process.” What it means: We need lots of new members fast or we’ll go out of business! What it says: “You have no predetermined credit limit.” What it means: We’re not worried, we employ the Break-YourLegs collection agency. What it says: “Exceptional customer service.” What it means: Except when you need it! What it says: “To apply for membership, fill out this short form.” What it means: You’ll get the long form later. What it says: “You may direct us not to share this information with anyone else.” What it means: Catch us if you can! What it says: “We look forward to receiving your completed application.” What it means: We baited the hook, let’s see if anyone bites! What it says: “You’ve been preapproved.” What it means: You’ve been preapproved to be rejected! Or, we’ve already prepared your letter of denial.

UNWANTED

A young boy protests vigorously when his mom asks him to take his little sister along fishing.

“The last time she came I didn’t catch a single fish,” he complains.

“I’ll talk to her,” his mother says. “I promise this time she won’t make any noise.”

“It wasn’t the noise, Mom,” the boy says. “She ate all my bait.”

BACK TO SCHOOL

The winter holiday is over and Little Johnny goes back to school for the third term.

Just two days later his teacher phones his mother to tell her he’s misbehaving.

“Wait a minute,” she says. “I had Johnny with me for four weeks and I never called you once when he misbehaved!”

WAGES (HUH?)

The labour department reckons a man owning a small farm isn’t paying proper wages to his workers and sends an official to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” the official demands.

“Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for three. I pay them each R1 500 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her R4 000 a month plus free room. Then there’s the half-wit. I pay him R50 a week and I buy him a bottle of brandy every week,” the farmer replies.

“That’s the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit,” said the agent.

The farmer says, “That would be me.”

WRONG CALL

A drunk man phones the police to report that thieves have been in his car.

“They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cries.

But before the police investigation can begin, the phone rings a second time and the same voice comes over the line.

“Never mind,” he says with a hiccup. “I got in the back seat by mistake.”