HE HAS SHRINES TO HIS DEAD WIFE

I’m a 55-year-old divorcée in a relationship with a 64-year-old man whose wife died four years ago. We’ve been together for two years and have grown close.

He wants me to move in with him but I’m very uncomfortable in his house. Every room is full of pictures of his late wife, most poster-size and with candles placed nearby. It’s clear he burns the candles when I’m not there. He has a picture of her on his bedside table which he hides when I’m there.

I’ve talked to him about how it makes me feel but he thinks I’m being “silly” and responds with a laugh, saying I’m the one there with him and the pictures are only memories. He says she put them up over the years and he clearly has no intention of removing them.

When I suggested he move out of the house he was adamant that he’d die there. I told him if I move in I’d be embarrassed to invite my friends over. He replied he could entertain them outside.

Under the pretext of going to the doctor, he’s now visiting a medium who makes contact with his dead wife. She apparently thanked him for the shrines and said he shouldn’t get married.

Other than the issue with the pictures, we’re really good to and for each other. I’m so confused. Sharon, email

I think the matter is much more complicated than just pictures and putting them away. Him going to a medium implies he wants permission from his late wife to pursue the relationship with you – which he might not get. He might have guilt feelings about moving into a relationship with you and these feelings don’t allow him to move on. Also, he might feel guilty towards his adult children because he’s “betrayed” their mother.

Instead of going to a medium he should consult with a psychologist who can help him to deal with the underlying issues.

It’s clear you can’t move into a house in which every room has a picture of his late wife. You don’t want to live with a ghost. Rather stay in your own home and keep the status quo where you visit each other. There’s no need to give up the relationship – he clearly cares about you. It’s not that he doesn’t have respect for you but rather that he has issues he needs to resolve.