Ask Dr Louise

Q I met my boyfriend in August 2016 and we moved in together five months later. It seemed we wanted the same things and had both been hurt by previous partners. Then he started making promises and not keeping them.

He’s a good man but I think he doesn’t have a plan for the future. We decided to build a house and I’ve saved money for this but he hasn’t made any effort to do the same. He pays the bills for two months then says he doesn’t have money as he’s self-employed. Yet he’s pushing for us to have kids.

Last year he was supposed to pay lobola and on the day of the lobola negotiations he said a friend had stolen the money and run off. I’m starting to feel that I’m being played. He goes to work every day for an entire month but at the end of the month he has nothing to show for it – not a single cent. I feel broken inside. Sinokulunga, email

A It certainly sounds as if you’re being used. You shouldn’t agree to have children before the problems are resolved, or you’re likely to find yourself raising the kids on your own. If the lobola and the house don’t happen before you have children, they probably won’t happen afterwards.

Insist that if you stay together you share all expenses. That’s simply fair. You need to budget together as a couple, and he needs to understand he can’t simply get to the end of the month and say he doesn’t have any money and lump you with all the bills. A relationship doesn’t work like that.

You’ve been far too patient with him until now. Tell him that if he can’t share the expenses each month then it doesn’t make sense for you to live together. You should also tell him that if you can see he’s not planning for the future you won’t have kids with him as you’re not willing to raise and educate children on your own.

It seems your boyfriend wants to build his dreams on the foundations of your effort and not his own. Don’t allow it.