HOW DO I LIVE WITH THIS GUILT?

My ex-husband committed suicide in October 2018. We got divorced because I’d had an affair with a man I’d known many years before I’d met my ex. The man would ask me for money, always giving me reasons why he needed it. I went to see him a few times, telling my family I was visiting my cousin in Cape Town.

The affair ended as soon as my husband found out but we ended up getting divorced after being married for 34 years. My ex-husband wasn’t an easy man, but he was a good husband and provider, and he loved our daughters unconditionally.

I have to live with the guilt that I’m responsible for him shooting himself. He’d been depressed for about three months before his death, and there was no other reason for him doing it – his business was doing well. I know that if I hadn’t done that terrible thing with a man who was basically a scammer, my ex-husband would still be alive and we’d be together living in a house he loved.

He phoned me to tell me he was going to kill himself and I’ll never forget the scene I found after I rushed there – him lying in a pool of blood. My heart is broken for all the years we could still have spent together. My children are shattered. If only I’d known that guy was a conman before it was too late. Guilt-ridden, email

People make mistakes and sometimes it’s a serious mistake. However, throughout my years in clinical practice I’ve realised that an extramarital affair is often a symptom of something in the marriage that’s not working. No two people who love each other and are basically happy in their marriage would resort to an affair simply for the adventure of it.

It’s sometimes a problem caused by unfinished business with a person in the past (on the part of the spouse who has the affair) and is mostly based on romantic idealism, not on reality. You probably had an idealised, romantic view of the man you had an affair with and so couldn’t see the reality of who he was.

Your ex-husband had a choice to forgive you when he found out about the affair. It would’ve been difficult for him but many married couples have lived through infidelity and survived. In fact, sometimes the marriage becomes stronger. Even if you and your ex weren’t ready to think about reconciliation at the time, there was nothing to prevent it becoming a possibility at a later stage.

Instead your ex-husband nurtured his anger and resentment, rather than seeking professional help to work through what had happened. By phoning you before he committed suicide he ensured you’d rush to the scene and see what you saw. The guilt you’re feeling now is his revenge.

You have to decide if you want him to “win” or not. He had a number of options open to him to make things better, but he chose not to use them.

You don’t have to carry this guilt with you. Forgiving someone for something they’ve done to you lies within the purview of any person. Your ex chose not to forgive you and try to mend your marriage. He also chose not to seek help for his depression.

Now it’s time for you to decide what you’re going to do.