Check up and reconnect with your partner

There are points in every relationship when change is inevitable. Here’s when they tend to happen and how to take that step into the next chapter of your story

LIKE a garden that needs water, sunlight and some TLC to thrive, your relationship needs your attention. Whether you think it’s coasting along nicely or starting to show some cracks, by attending to your relationship regularly you can help it flourish.

There are also particular stages when asking the right questions can ensure things go well for years to come. Here experts give the when and how.

1-2 YEARS Time for a decision

This is the point at which you’re coming out of the honeymoon phase or “bubble of new love”, says Jo Lamble, a clinical psychologist and author of Answers to Everyday Questions about Relationships.

“Now it’s time to decide, not necessarily whether to get married or to move in together, but whether to continue the relationship.”

Take action: SEE AND BE SEEN

The bubble of love is important – it feels lovely and it holds you together, but it bursts around this time, which is good because it allows you to enter a more mature phase of the relationship.

“You start to learn about your partner’s faults, which is important – you need to know and accept these before you decide whether the relationship is going to continue,” Lamble says.

Up to this point many people haven’t let their partner see the real them, trying hard to hide the “bad” bits.

“You have to let your partner see who you really are otherwise they don’t really know who they’re falling for,” Lamble says. “Commitment has to be an informed decision, with both people having all the facts so they can make an informed decision about their future together.”

It might feel early to be revealing yourself warts and all – people typically hide things such as debt, family secrets and significant information about their relationship history – but it’s actually the best time to do it.

“We’re far more willing to accept another’s faults when the love is develop

ing and when there’s still a bit of infatuation, rather than during tough times or down the track when it can cause resentment,” Lamble says.

In deciding whether to continue the relationship, ask yourself: do we share some interests? Have the same outlook on life? Do we both want kids? Think the same way about parenting? Have an understanding and acceptance of each other’s differences? Have chemistry?

“If you don’t have chemistry, it’s easy to stray and find fault because there’s that void,” Lamble says. “It’s also something to fall back on in difficult times when you might not feel that attraction, but you can remember it was there in the past.”

If you face these difficult conversations early, you might end up going your separate ways. But that’s better than finding yourself 10 years down the line with a mortgage and kids and with someone you weren’t really attracted or suited to.

“It sounds silly, but people fall into relationships all the time and end up feeling really trapped,” Lamble says. “Do the hard work now and you’ll create a strong foundation to help you weather the hard times.”

7-10 YEARS Time to grow up

For many couples, the 10-year mark is when their unhealthy ways of communicating, which until then have usually been buried in the demands of parenting or work, come to the fore. “The challenge here is to work on your communication to make your relationship stronger and more satisfying,” says Australian relationship counsellor Thea Keane.

Take action: EXPRESS YOURSELF EFFECTIVELY

About now, you might start to become aware of the weak spots in your relationship – for example, that you don’t say what’s really on your mind, or that you intimidate your partner or allow yourself to be intimidated. These are all ways of communicating that are likely carried over from our families of origin.

“Often couples need to learn communication skills,” Keane says. “Communicating in healthy, adult ways – effectively expressing our emotions without blaming the other person – is an art form that’s extremely important to master and is one of the first steps to emotional maturity.”

We need to recognise our unhelpful ways of relating to others and how to change ourselves, rather than expecting others to change. Couples counselling can also help you learn how to communicate without attacking, blaming or being defensive.

It’s also crucial that you spend time together. “You’ve gone from being tight as a couple to being more occupied by other things – children or your job – so you probably don’t spend a lot of fun time with your partner,” Keane says.

“Interests outside the relationship become more significant at this stage and while they can be healthy, they can also draw you outside the relationship, particularly if you’re not spending fulfilling time together as a couple,” she says.

Try to strike a balance between the need to develop your own interests and the need to nourish your relationship. “If the only thing you do together is parenting, it can cause a chasm because you can end up looking at your partner as someone who helps you bring up the kids, not as your partner in love,” Keane adds.

Make a point of going out as a couple and reminisce about the great times you had when you were first together. These memories generate good feelings, which make it hard not to feel loving towards your partner. “These can be tough years but if you nourish your relationship you can get through them,” Keane says.

15-20 YEARS Time to rediscover and reconnect

“Until now, you’ve probably had a lot in common, whether you’ve had children together or both followed a career path. Now couples can become complacent – it can get a bit boring with the same person and the same things night in, night out,” says Mary Casey, a psychologist and author of The Healing Power of Truth.

“Make sure you have individual interests so you have new things to talk about, but also some common interests to keep the passion alive.”

Take action: REVIVE YOUR DREAMS

Relationships at this stage can be like an old pair of shoes: predictable, comfortable, perhaps a little worn out. If you want your relationship to thrive, you need to rediscover and reconnect.

“After 15 to 20 years of being busy doing things for everybody else, you might not know what you want,” Casey says. Spend time together recalling the dreams and hopes you had as individuals when you first met. This conversation alone can help bonding.

Did you want to be in a band? Run marathons? It might not be possible to have exactly that experience but try to find a way to fulfil that dream on a different level. Seeing your partner excited about their old dreams can remind you why you fell for them in the first place.

It can be difficult if one person starts to grow and the other doesn’t, Casey says. “There can be resentment that someone ‘has changed’.”

Good communication is the key. “You need to communicate what you want but express yourself without hurting the other person.”

Counselling can help if you’re feeling stuck. “I get couples to face each other, look into each other’s eyes and speak seriously about their feelings. But it takes time. I’ve never had a couple who could do this straight away,” Casey adds.

She says when you can speak your deepest truth to each other, it’s healing for the relationship and the individual.

‘YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE WHAT YOU WANT’