HOW CAN I GET HER TO BE MORE CIVIL TO ME?

My husband was previously married with children. We’ve been married for four years and have a two-year-old son together. From the start of our relationship, his ex-wife has gone out of her way to make things difficult for us by complicating matters relating to their children – whether it’s finances or even him seeing them.

While this hasn’t affected my relationship with my husband, she doesn’t talk to me at all. She doesn’t acknowledge me and this often causes discomfort for the children. It also makes things awkward for the rest of the family and friends when we’re in the same space.

I love his children and we get along well, but what I long for is to have some kind of a relationship with their mother – not for us to be friends, but for us to at least be civil with each other for the sake of the children.

What can I do to make this happen? Troubled, email

The problem obviously lies with the ex-wife – either she can’t forgive her husband for the divorce or feels you’re guilty for the breakup. She’s resentful of you and feels you’re the reason for her unhappiness (this may not be true at all but it is her perception of life). So, she’s thus “punishing” you for your perceived wrongs.

This problem isn’t yours but, in fact, your husband’s and his ex-wife’s. The solution may be that he asks his ex-wife to see a psychologist with him to try to normalise their relationship concerning the children.

Your husband can then discuss the way in which his ex-wife treats you and the psychologist can then help her understand that it’s to the detriment of her children, whom you love and would like to have a good relationship with.

The psychologist can also help her understand that her attitude can alienate her own children from her and the professional may also be able to mediate a more amiable relationship between the two of you.