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The challenge: seven days and a no-phone zone at home. Can it be done? Here’s how this mom survived

PHONE FREE? It’s time we were honest with ourselves at least about how much phone time we have around our kids so this mom’s real life account of giving up her phone was refreshing. I am far too guilty of this and my kids have often told me to put it away when they see I am distracted. And of course we don’t want our teens to be screen addicted either so now’s the time to model phone-free behaviour.

In the first few months of my daughter’s life when I was on maternity leave, my phone hardly featured in my day to day activities, except to make an occasional call. went from checking multiple social media pages throughout the day and being contactable at all times to being completely cut off from all of that: I was deep inside the baby bubble, and blissfully so. “Twitter be damned,” I thought. “There’s nothing out there that’s worth missing these moments for. Nothing.”

Nice and idealistic as that sentiment was, it didn’t last too long after I got back to work. Within what seemed like an instant, the baby bubble was burst and I was plugged straight back into the mainframe, 24/7. Still, I made a valiant attempt to limit my phone to “work time” and to be with my daughter 100 percent during “home time”.

REASON TO UNPLUG

With working from home on flexi hours – often with clients in different time zones and after hours if the job demands it – those lines began blurring more and more each day, and soon my phone was always within reach. I realised it had become a serious problem when, at 18 months, the first thing my daughter would do after having her morning bottle was go to my bedside table, unplug my phone, and hand it to me with a questioning “phowwwwwn”?

Later that day I was watching one of the hundreds of video clips I take of her, lest I miss a moment of her development, and what I noticed was the cruellest of ironies. I didn’t notice she was telling me she needed to wee. I watched another video clip and then another, same thing. She was trying to show me new things (and saying words I swore I’d never heard her say before), but I was so engrossed in capturing the moment that I missed it all.

That was it, the tipping point: no more phone during “home time”, not for a whole week – and I stuck to it.

WHAT IT WAS REALLY LIKE

Sure, it was tricky sticking to the challenge I’d set myself. My daughter kept bringing me my “phowwwwn” for the first three mornings and I had to eventually hide it in a drawer, which I kept glancing at, like an addict knowing her fix was just within reach. I itched to check the messages that had come in overnight from colleagues in different time zones and I had to constantly restrain myself from taking “just one quick photo/video”. But day by day it got easier and I craved my phone less. As I spent less time thinking about not using it and more time just being with my daughter, this is what happened:

My daughter became calmer and less demanding, probably because she didn’t have to act up to get my attention. Instead of whining when she wanted something, which she had begun to do with grating frequency, she began simply saying “mama” in a soft voice.

Now that I was having more “face time” with her, I began to be more in tune with what her facial expressions meant and, with that, what mood she was in. After three days I could more easily see when she was frustrated or understand more quickly what she wanted, and thereby avert a tantrum or her biting out of frustration. Her tantrums, which previously were taking place at least once every three days, stopped completely (not one… so far).

She told me more reliably when she needed to use the bathroom, something that had become a 50/50 before (or was it rather a case of me being too glued to my mini screen to notice when she was telling me 50 percent of the time?).

I began observing more of her developmental progress, like how she’s rapidly figuring out shapes and sizes – something I hadn’t noticed with one eye on the screen.

THE VERDICT

This was all in only five days; I didn’t need another day to convince me to turn a weeklong challenge into a lifelong challenge. I now have new rules firmly in place: the phone gets put away in the mornings before work and during dinner, bath and bed time. Over weekends it’s a bit harder to have no phone around when I’m with her the whole day, but I still stick to the no phone in the mornings and evenings rule.

SHE WAS TRYING TO SHOW ME NEW THINGS, BUT I WAS SO ENGROSSED IN CAPTURING THE MOMENT THAT I MISSED IT ALL

STAYING THE COURSE

When I’m tempted to break my own rules, I’ve managed to get back on the no phone track by reminding myself of the five key lessons I learned during this week: 1 You don’t have to document every single moment. More importantly, you don’t have to share that photo or video immediately with your family or 550 close friends on Facebook. It’ll still be cute and get a million “likes” if you post it later.

2 It’s delusional to think you can be 100 percent focused on your child every second they are in your care. Not only is that physically impossible, it may not even be good for them to have your undivided attention all the time. After all, how will they ever learn to problem solve, discover their own interests or gain independence if you’re hovering over them all the time?

What’s more important than watching their little faces in rapture every waking second, according to the research, is being a “responsive parent”. The World Health Organisation defines responsiveness as a “mother’s/caregiver’s prompt, contingent and appropriate interaction with the child. It is a vital parenting tool with wideranging benefits for the child, from better cognitive and psychosocial development to protection from disease and mortality”. Or, to put it more simply, aim to be aware when your child is looking for your attention, or be alert enough to know when she needs it, and give it to her.

3 It’s equally unrealistic to keep your kids in a device-free zone forever, not unless you live off the grid somewhere far away from it all. But you can be strict about setting no device times. Mealtimes are great for that, and in fact recent research shows dinner times are among the most important times to be present and engaged with our children and families.

4 If you live your life glued to your device don’t complain when, in 10 years’ time, your child is ignoring your attempts to find out how their day was while they scan their device. Monkey see, monkey do. It’s as simple as that. 5 Most importantly, the digital world and everyone else can wait. No, really, they can! It’s okay not to answer messages straight away (99 percent of the time), no one will notice if you haven’t tweeted for two hours and nobody really cares that you haven’t liked a post yet. Above all, remember that the Earth will not stop turning if you unplug for a few hours a day so you can stay dialled in to your kid.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO SHARE THAT PHOTO OR VIDEO IMMEDIATELY WITH YOUR FAMILY