MOM AND SON
Raising boys to be better men In a previous article, we discussed the dearth of positive examples of masculinity available to our children, especially our It is heartening boys. to know many doing their own men are work, via support groups organisations o
We all want to ensure our sons grow up with a masculinity that allows them to feel good about being male, while not having a need to harm women to attain that feeling. In our context, in our country, this means undoing a lot of existing conditioning: we have runaway levels of male unemployment and frustration, drug and alcohol abuse, woman and child abuse, and single parenting with absent fathers.
To try to break that cycle, it helps to be upfront with your children about your thoughts about sexism and how boys and girls are treated differently sometimes. It starts with you, and what you say and do in front of your boy child. “Talk with your friends about being female or male in front of your child, or talk directly to them about it,” suggests Wessel van der Berg, the child rights and positive parenting portfolio manager at Sonke Gender Justice ( genderjustice.org.za) and cocoordinator of the Men Care Global Fatherhood Campaign ( men-care.org). “Allow them to define for themselves what gender means to them.”
In general, groups who feel secure in themselves are less likely to use their power to oppress others – whether we are talking about groups separated by gender, religion, race, or class. Wessel says that it’s more important “to secure children’s sense of self than their sense of manhood or boyhood. Boys and girls are more alike than different to each other.” These practical suggestions may be starting points for your own parenting.
when we try to fight child abuse. “Consent” is merely the idea that permission must be sought and given before anyone touches anyone. Both boys and girls must feel able to say a strong and confident “no” if they don’t feel comfortable with a touch. And even better still, it helps to teach adolescents to seek “enthusiastic consent” from the other person before doing anything sexual together.
Consent may not sound too relevant to your threeyear-old, but it is. If you force your child to hug and kiss relatives even though he or she doesn’t want to, you could be teaching them that their permission about where to be touched doesn’t matter. You can’t tell them they have to yell “no” and report a child abuser and yet expect them to acquiesce to touching whenever you say so.