LOGGERHEADS

MOM AND DAD AT It’s one thing not to agree about how much money the tooth mouse should leave under the pillow, but if you’re at odds about important things such as punishment and house rules, it’s time for a serious lekgotla

One day long, long ago, when your sprogs were but a twinkle in your and your partner's eye, you had all kinds of illusions about raising children.

You were convinced that you'd agree about most of the burning issues with which parents are often faced…

But now that the kids are there, you're not so sure anymore. Because you have one idea, and he seems to have another.

And you're at odds about almost every conceivable parenting issue.

He believes in a hiding while you think it's barbaric. You believe in a very strict routine while he thinks you're limiting the kids with your clockwatching.

At night you find it wonderful to have your little bundle of joy right next to you in bed, but your partner swears he can't get any shut-eye when there are three of you in the bed.

And on and on and on… You find it hard to believe that there was a time when you and the father of your brood had a loving, peaceful relationship!

“Fret not, your problems are anything but unique. Differences about certain parenting issues are part and parcel of our daily existence, and it's quite common for parents to disagree about raising children,” says Doret Kirsten, a psychologist and senior lecturer at the Institute for Psychotherapy and Counselling at the North-west University's Potchefstroom campus.

What's more, parents usually disagree about different things.

Doret identifies and differentiates between small and big differences in the household. Small headaches are usually stuff like how much sugar they're allowed, what kind of toys they should have and how many.

Big differences are usually more serious, like drawing up house rules and punishment (one parent might think corporal punishment is right while the other has real problems with it).

WE’VE ALL GOT BAGGAGE One of the biggest influences on our own development and parenting philosophy is how we were raised, and the emotional baggage we continue to carry from our childhood, Doret says.

“How you were raised and what you learnt in your parents' home will be reflected in how you raise your own kids. Beaming parents expecting a new baby usually swear high and low that they'll never make the mistakes their parents made – just to repeat the behaviour they so loathed in their parents if they're under pressure,” Doret says.

The reason, she says, is that very few people ever consciously put time aside to reflect on their own childhood and how they were raised by their parents. Few people think carefully about the effect their parents' education style had on them and whether it was meaningful or not.

“Many parents prepare really well for the baby's arrival; they paint the nursery and buy toys; but they don't read even one parenting manual together, they don't talk beforehand about how they'll be handling certain situations or how to set a golden mean for when they don't agree,” Doret says.

Did your parents run the house autocratically, democratically or was it “anything goes”? What do you think were the educational motivations for their rules and behaviour? Did it build or break you? Did it create a safe structure within which healthy development could take place?

Or did the absence of structure lead to insecurity, neglect or a lack of personal boundaries? Perhaps there were too many boundaries in your parents' home that ended up smothering you…

“The more diverse couples' educational background and philosophy about children, and the less they consciously reflect on and communicate about it, the larger the potential for