Babies of theheart heaven
MATCH MADE IN Some grow in your tummy, others grow in your heart
We were meant to be, Gabe and I. I believe it with all my heart,” says Angelique Ardé, a visibly lovestruck Cape Town mother.
“Gabe was four months old when he came home, in October 2015. I was 44. My sister, Jacqui, who was with me when I fetched him, has always said that we are so well matched. ‘He’s a gentle giant,’ she says. (He weighed eight kilos at four months!) I’m tall (not giant-sized tall, just tall) and very relaxed. I’m grateful Gabe isn’t a high-energy child; I reckon it could make single parenting a bit more tiring.”
For some people, being unmarried and childless by the time they are forty is part of the plan. “I wasn’t one of them! But I thank God that my plan didn’t prevail, because an adopted baby wasn’t in it. I can’t imagine life without Gabe. I adopted because of my circumstances, and had a deep sense of peace about it from the beginning. I have an adopted cousin, and she’s as Ardé as can be. Our entire family has always believed that she was always meant to be a part of us. I suppose you could say that for me, adoption is spiritual. It’s also not uncommon in my faith community. And it’s mostly transracial, so there are many families that look like us.”
Angelique says her entire family was supportive of her decision to adopt, with the exception of her father. “My dad’s very traditional and has strong convictions that a family constitutes a man, a woman, and their offspring. He’s also a product of the old South Africa, so he had concerns about the transracial thing. I knew he would come around, because he has the softest heart. Just before I got Gabriel, I phoned my parents to ask my dad if he would give me his blessing to name my son Gabriel Max — Max being my dad’s name. There was a long silence on the other end of the line. My mom came on and said, ‘Dad can’t speak right now. He’s very emotional.’ He was crying. I can’t remember her exact words after that, but I knew we were going to be alright. My parents proudly refer to Gabe as their new grandson. He may as well be flesh of my flesh.”
I wonder if it’s more difficult for singles to adopt than it is for couples. “A lot of people ask me if the authorities are reluctant to allow single people to adopt. Thankfully they aren’t. My process was easy – and fast! I was screened, approved and matched with Gabriel in six months! I went through Abba in Belville. They’re a private agency, which I sought out because they charge on a sliding scale, and I couldn’t afford tens of thousands of rands.”
But surely it’s more difficult for singles to cope than it is for couples? Angelique disagrees: “I think in many ways, it’s easier. From day one, I’ve known that it all falls to me to meet my child’s needs. There is no one else to bath him or change him or to get up in the night to feed or to console, so I have no expectation of anyone coming to my aid. I appreciate that my friends with partners can easily get into conflict over whose turn it is to sleep in or take time off. I’m on duty 24/7. The flip side is I get to do things my way and there’s no one to criticise me. I have amazing support in my sister and extended family, and my friends. They are a great source of encouragement – not to mention meals and invitations to join in fun things. We are not alone.”
Angelique says the best thing about adoption is that it gives you bragging rights. “I had nothing whatsoever to do with Gabe’s good looks, superior intelligence, never-ending cuteness, and overall yumminess, so I reckon I can brag to my heart’s content and no one can accuse me of being vain. A pain in the rear end, yes. But not vain.” I think she’s only half-joking, because she is suddenly very serious: “I’ve never loved like this or known love like this. It’s out of this world.” YB