Move aside, here comes baby

Congrats! You are the mom of a brand-new baby – and probably of a moody toddler. Here’s how to make it easy for older siblings to accept the new member of the family

THE ARRIVAL OF your new baby is exciting, but what to do if everyone in the house is not as happy as you are?

Even if your toddler is sceptical of the changes, you have to involve her in the birth. Prepare her for this experience, not only because it will have a long-term influence on the communication and dynamics in your family structure but also on her emotional development, selfimage and confidence.

Make sure your firstborn feels like you’re aware of her. The birth of the new baby will obviously mean that the older child will get less attention. So, she must know that your heart is big enough to love everyone equally, even if you’re spending a little more time with the baby.

The best way to help your older child adapt to the new baby and changed environment is with good preparation. Here are a few tips to help the big sister through this time.

DURING YOUR PREGNANCY

✓ Prepare your child by reading books about babies.

✓ Allow her to choose something special for the baby’s room. Try and make your toddler excited about the baby’s arrival by asking her to pack the clothes in the cupboard.

✓ Make her a part of the pregnancy. Take her along when you do sonars, or let her feel when the baby kicks.

✓ Enrol your toddler in day care or nursery school during pregnancy, so she’s used to the routine by the time the baby is born.

✓ Tell her the big news in a language she understands. Children under two only need to hear about the new baby in the last two or three months, unless they ask questions before then. Tell your older

child earlier, so that she doesn’t hear it somewhere else.

✓ Keep on assuring your little one that she’ll always hold a special place in your heart, and that you’ll always love her very much, even if there’s a new baby in the house.

✓ Speak to her about the hospital stay just before it happens. Explain exactly what she could expect: how long you’ll be staying, who’s going to be looking after her, and when she’ll be able to visit.

✓ Explain how things will be when the baby comes, that babies need lots of attention, and that for that reason you won’t be able to look after her exclusively anymore. You’ll still have time to do special things with her though. It might be a good idea that your toddler already starts spending more time with Dad during the pregnancy. In this way, it will be less disruptive when you’re not available later.

✓ Buy her a baby doll and encourage her (or him!) to care for the “baby”.

IN HOSPITAL

✓ Explain to your child that you’ll be away for a bit to fetch her baby brother or sister but – and this is important – that you’ll be back. Make sure she knows you’re not ill or in danger.

✓ Make time to canoodle and cuddle your older child while someone else holds the baby – even if you’ve had a C-section. Allow her to touch the new baby, and even take pics of her holding the baby.

✓ Tell her how much you miss her, and give her a gift from the baby.

✓ Don’t force the new baby on the older sibling – wait till she asks to hold the baby.

BACK HOME

✓ Get Sisi to come along when you bring the baby home.

✓ Make sure to pay lots of attention to her when you’re home. Don’t force the new baby on her – rather wait for her to take notice of the baby herself.

✓ Send a bag of pink or blue sweets to school, so that her school friends can celebrate the new arrival with her.

✓ Go and show the new baby off at her school when there’s show and tell.

✓ Try and keep your existing routine as far as possible. Make an effort with special rituals like bedtime stories.

✓ Stay consistent with rules and boundaries – it creates security and a predictable environment – but be aware that it’s a time of adjustment for your firstborn, and don’t expect too much.

✓ Give her enough time to have a good look at the baby, touch her or him, and handle her or him with your help. Draw her attention to the baby’s reactions: “Look, he likes it when you sing to him!”

✓ Involve her with the new baby – allow her to wash the baby’s feet during bathtime, and show her how to kiss the baby’s hands and feet. Explain the fontanels on baby’s head early on and that they are very soft.

✓ Be sure to make your toddler understand very well that she’s never allowed to pick up or carry the baby when you’re not around.

✓ Read a story while you nurse or get her to feed her own baby doll or drink some juice herself.

✓ Chat to your little one about her feelings around the changes in the house. Help her express her feelings. ✓ Sing her praises to others – and make sure she hears how great she is as an older sister!

✓ From day one, make the baby used to sleeping amid your normal house noise. Your toddler can’t whisper and be quiet for the sake of the new baby in the house the whole time.

✓ If she’s aggressive, calmly explain that it’s unacceptable behaviour, and try and channel it. Don’t reward bad behaviour with attention, or it will be repeated. Rather make an effort to react to her need for attention at a later stage.

✓ Show her her own baby pics, and talk about the similarities and differences between her and the new baby.

THIS IS HOW YOU MAKE TIME FOR UDADE ENKULU

✓ Build one- on- one time into your schedule every day preferably after work. Set aside 10 minutes for each child, and focus only on that child, listen to what happened in her day and what her needs are. Your children will quickly become accustomed to this routine, and the rest of the evening will be lovely and calm.

✓ Use activities that form part of your common routine as one-on-one time. Dad can take care of bathing one of the kids, while another makes dinner with Mom. Or one goes shopping with Dad while the other stays home with you.

✓ Get a shared hobby, or involve your child in yours. If Dad enjoys golf, he can take one of the kids along to the green with some mini clubs.

✓ Schedule an outing alone with each one of your children every month – and make it something special. One parent can take the older one to the zoo, while the other parent stays home with the other sibling.

✓ Organise that the younger children visit their grandparents while Mom and Dad take the eldest out on a date.

✓ If you play together on Saturdays, give every child a turn to get attention: 30 minutes with one, then 30 minutes with the other. During this time, focus exclusively on one child.

✓ Make a weekly date with your child, on a set day and time. Nothing and no one is allowed to disturb your time together. Leave your phone behind, sit on the floor with your child, and let her lead the game and the conversation.